Let’s take a quick minute to universally agree to one thing: 2020 was a trying year. And even if we saw abundance, happiness and some fun, there were certainly some very tough moments. But alas! 2021 is here and it’s important to start things off well! What is the best use of your time to start this year? These five words…I’ll get to those shortly!

You NEED these five words, especially if your year was:

– being in relationships, personally or professionally, that drained you and sought to capitalize on more taking than mutual satisfaction;
– desiring to date a whole person, such as yourself, but being too afraid to step out and be “discovered” (which might be as simple as a smile with your eyes – face masks on, please – when you bump into a stranger);
– you didn’t have the courage to apply for a “stretch” job/career, even when the odds say you won’t qualify for such a position;
– uncertainty had you second guess if it was okay to open up your heart to your partner that values you;
– you struggled to invest in yourself – whether financially with the stock market or physically by getting your health under control.

If for any reason you stopped short of having the best life, going after what brings you joy/fulfillment/peace and taking a risk towards MORE, this has to be your new mantra:

THAT WAS SO LAST YEAR!

Celebrate! This is a new season. Bring to it a new level of going after everything you deserve. And know that a good life is the portion of pie that belongs to you.

If you have been to a wedding at any point, you are bound to hear the officiant detail what love is. Patient. Kind. Hopes for good things. Never fails. Sounds wonderful, right? Now that we all know what love is, what isn’t it?

Exceptions exist for every situation. But if you have been in a relationship, it’s very possible that you have seen some tough times with your partner. Finances get tricky, children leave little time for a love affair and the loss of one’s health can be devastating. The good news is that even in these scenarios, good love can withstand these things. You and your partner can pull together to make a budget that doesn’t leave you feeling broke. Trustworthy family can step in for an occasional date night with each other. You can be the arms that are nurturing your ill spouse back to health. That’s love. What if you take these same circumstances with different outcomes? Your partner continues to spend and demands that you figure out how to make it work? One of you is more attached to your children than you are to your spouse and avoids making time to make your love work? And those marriage vows about the “in sickness” part was for someone else to deal with, not you?

The One Word Difference Between Love and Codependency is CHAOS…

Codependency is defined as an emotional and behavioral state that can affect a person’s ability to participate in a reciprocally healthy and satisfying relationship. To maintain a relationship, there is an unhealthy reliance upon the other person to meet the needs of their partner. This one-sided “exchange” leads to destructive, emotional damage and oftentimes abuse. Chaos is much the same. It is a disordered and dysfunctional state that invades healthy situations with its unpredictability and upset. There is no clear way to respond to chaos because of its ever-changing behavior. And much like codependency, chaos expects for you to “roll with it,” or “get over it” and adjust to its new asks.

Most of us want to be loved and want to be involved in the goodness of what love brings. What does love bring? A sense of peace, fulfillment, motivation, contentment and even good physical health and life longevity. Codependency (chaos) is a subtractor. It doesn’t add qualities of joy, serenity or long life because it focuses on what it can take from you. Are you in a codependent relationship? Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Is saying no to your partner’s demands for time, money, sex or your energy difficult to do?
2. Is your sense of well-being attached to being self-sacrificing to your partner’s needs?
3. Do you make excuses for your partner’s lack of responsibility, such as addiction, legal troubles or financial negligence?
4. Do you ever feel trapped in your relationship with your partner?
5. Have you trained yourself to avoid conflict with your partner because the arguments tend to escalate to levels that feel unbearable for you to handle?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, please seek help from a qualified professional to ensure that you are safe, can learn how to use your voice to be empowered and gain the courage to become a healthy you, unapologetically.

Good love, quite simply, is good. Codependency is a cry for a better understanding on how to break the cycle of accepting another person’s poor behaviors at the expense of yourself. Get to what you deserve and make a break from the damage of chaos and pain. You are worth it.

It has happened to all of us.  A relationship you once enjoyed has now ended and left you feeling sad, if not puzzled, and feeling truly alone.  You can admit that there were times when things were not going well.  You can also admit that you wondered whether staying was worth it.  What you didn’t imagine was being left, without a trace, a phone call or even a text.  They are just GONE.  Typically, being ordinary people, we need an answer to WHY.  Why did our friendship have to end?  Why did the love I thought we were sharing go away without explanation?  Why?

When people simply disappear, there is a hole that is gaping in us and longs to be filled by validation.  What did I do wrong?  Didn’t I mean enough to you to have a final conversation?  Am I such a horrible person that you didn’t even want to talk to me about what happened?  That validation shows the humanity in us.  And humanity being what it is shows us one more thing:  there are going to be instances in life where you will never get the answer.  Some relationships do not get restored.  Some relationships end and leave you feeling less than whole.  Some relationships never get a final goodbye.  So what do you do when the chair really is empty and there is nobody on the other end of the conversation to help you heal?  You do it yourself.

Closure by yourself is still closure for yourself…

As tough as it may be to think about this, what closure really does is gives you something that you can only truly give to yourself: corroboration of your worth.  The need to hear someone say, “I failed and needed to walk away,” or, “There was nothing wrong with you,” is not the gift that others can give to you.  It is the gift that you must give to yourself.

Now is the time to face the truth about who you were.  Did you do the best you could while the relationship was intact?  Did you make every effort to be kind?  And, even if you failed at times, did you make sure that you fixed your part in the damage with behavioral change when warranted?  When a relationship ends, both parties must look at what they contributed to the distance and ultimate ending.  Being able to say to yourself that you were honorable (not perfect) while in the relationship is the first step towards closure.

If we’re honest, when people choose to walk out of your life, there were already signs.  Signs that led them to believing they weren’t valued by you.  Perhaps they were distant and you didn’t notice their presence was filled with absence.  Another bit of honest reflection may be found in you.  Is it possible that they weren’t of the quality that you believed they were and may not have belonged in your life any longer?  It’s hard to acknowledge but you owe it to yourself to make a true assessment of what you lost.

When we wait for someone else to tell us what we are worth, they will get it wrong every time.

Loss is profoundly painful.  But healing is what we all need to give to yourselves. The kindest act of healing is to first be open to forgiving yourself for your part in the damage.  If you are longing for those final moments to hear from someone else what you are worth, let that go.  Healing does not require anyone’s approval, permission or opinion. You are free to choose to move forward into wholeness.  Start by filling your well with what you know is true about the quality person you are.  That is and always will be a solo conversation.