In every area of life, there is a beginning and an end of things.  A new relationship, an eight-pound baby, a bouncy puppy or putting your keys in a new home, new beginnings offer promise and hope.  Newness is a “desired acquire” for humanity, marking a new season and things to look forward to for a long time to come.  But seasons being what they are, they change, shift and ultimately end.

Let’s talk specifically about relationships.  When you are in a healthy partnership, your “firsts” are not just exciting and joyful, they are also informative.  The proverbial “first look” prior to the wedding ceremony tells you that sharing with one another the gift of their presence is sacred and an “for us only” moment.  The first time you make love informs you on how deeply open and intimate your partner wants to be with you and only you.  Your first disagreement exposes you to how well you take care of each other’s hearts or if the choice is to win by wounding.  Again, all these “firsts” are a “tell” of what you share as a couple and the priority that you make of the love you are building with your partner.

What message has your union been expressing lately?  Can you say that it has not been as important to master the assignment of what you promised to one another?  Does being in their presence hold the same space of joy and love as it once did for you?  Relationships are tough and they need extra care, time and attention.  If you find yourselves in a season where that has not been the standard or precedence, it is time to return to good love.

Relationship and sex therapy will forever be a boon to enhancing a healthy relationship.  If you have the expectation that your struggle can be managed without outside help, ask yourself, “What are we actually doing to make this better?”  The urgency is in what you truly prioritize, and if your efforts have fallen short, despite the love being solid, get some help.  Reach out to Helping Others Heal to renew your intimacy and connection.

appointment@helpingothersheal.com

Are you in a relationship where there are topics that cannot be addressed?  You both know there are issues but the discussions around those talks come with hurt feelings, the silent treatment and general discontentment.  If this is you, here is the news flash:  a relationship where everything cannot be discussed is a relationship that is not healthy.  You should not be your partner’s mind reader any more than you can expect to have your needs met if you do not address what is unfulfilling.

Let’s get more specific and talk about sex.  Is pleasure a free and open conversation?  Does your partner know what pleases you and makes it their aim to satisfy your desires?  Do you welcome honest feedback on how to fulfill their needs?  Sexual activity is and should be a transparent dialogue, particularly in a partnership. Connecting your life with someone who has taken on the assignment of caring for your heart also mandates that they care for how to please you sexually.  If this is all new information and a bit scary, let’s figure out how to fix it.

Our history is clear:  sex was definitively a taboo subject up until the 1960’s.  The Sexual Revolution of the 60’s and early 70’s proved to be a time of relaxing the standard on how “unseemly” it was to talk about our sexual needs.  Yet here we are, nearly 60 years later, and couples still have unmet needs, lack sexual satisfaction and feel like no sex is better than bad sex.  As natural and normal as the act of sex is, it appears to be one of the toughest conversations that couples can undertake.  When we fail to address tough topics, we will ultimately find ourselves in a desert of displeasure and hopelessly wondering whether it is worth it to even try.  The drought of a desert is not a good location when water is available.

While it may not be easy to tell your partner you have unfulfilled fantasies or that your “sexy time” is as far away from sexy as the grass is to the sky, there is a way to say, “Hey, we need to tackle this together.”  Sadly, statistics show that unmet needs can lead to affairs and at the very least, hurt feelings centered around whether you are desirable to your partner.  That is a tough way to walk through the journey of love with someone.

Whether you need to address being sexually inexperienced or how to explore some non-traditional/kink topics, let me help you have the conversation.  Love should feel good, and great sex is certainly a dimension of that goodness.  Happy to help you make sense of it all!

**Free resource**

Please send me a message to my encrypted email and I’ll send you a resource on how to discuss “non-vanilla” sexual topics.  You and your partner may share a good chuckle, perhaps.  But what you will certainly get is a way to talk openly and honestly about your sexual needs and preferences.  The secure email is helpingothersheal@proton.me for the free discussion guide.

 

As a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, I have had the privilege and pleasure of working with couples that want to take their relationships to the next level: marriage.  Being a mediator on issues such as intrusive, future in-laws or how to tactfully communicate a “No children allowed” wedding is a common theme in sessions.  Sadly, what I hear less often is, “Adrian, what should we expect after the crowd leaves, the dancing has stopped and the Thank You cards are sent?”

While weddings are well orchestrated masterpieces of money, creativity and thoughtfulness, it pales in comparison to the true event.  That event is the marriage – how to love each other in a life of mutual, “Serving you is the only place I want to be.”

(I know, I just lost my audience of hopeless romantics!)

What you must face is that a wedding is not the marriage.  The wedding is, in fact, the last stop of it being about you at all.  Marriage is bigger than the both of you.  It’s the fabric of service.  And those threads do not have the luxury of unraveling when things aren’t easy.  That leaves you both naked.

It will be easy to hear service as servitude.  They are not even close.  Service is having the privilege of giving of yourself for the betterment of others.  Meanwhile, servitude is the state of being subject to someone that completely controls you and has more authority in a relationship than you do.  That is abuse.  If you are a person with a positive outlook on life, service towards your spouse may look like sharing your joyful spirit in one of their more difficult moments.  Or negotiating the mental load of chores when you and your partner both have 40+ hour work weeks.  Notice that these examples are not “the big ones,” like the aging and subsequent death of your parents, the loss of their six figure income or struggles with infertility.  This is the day in, day out of your marriage being your CHOICE.

Be honest with yourself.  When was the last time you chose your intended and their needs over what you merely wanted?  Your partner, with a history of abandonment, needs the security of quality time with you, which regulates their central nervous system.  Quality time is not important to your wellbeing with your paramour, but it is for you and your girlfriends from high school.  Hanging out with them may be a necessity for you, but does that interaction outweigh your partner feeling connected?  Please do not mishear me.  I am speaking of healthy relationships, not one where you are being controlled to make the joy of your partner your responsibility.  Neither do I mean that you must play therapist so they can function daily.  That feels like a brick on your foot!  When your partner struggles, the care that you choose towards them has a way of saying, “The girls can wait; I need to take care of my partner.”

Marriage, when done with you and your partner’s wellbeing in mind, can be a terrific, lifelong adventure.  If you are planning a wedding, I encourage you to participate in premarital counseling.  Getting a deeper understanding of the sacrificial life you are about to embark upon is vital information.  Go to someone qualified to ask you the tough questions as they walk you through appropriate expectations in making the love you give (and receive) a top priority.  Enjoy your wedding day.  Just remember, when the dancing stops, real life begins.  And if that does not look like service from you, you may have a great deal to (re)consider.

As we enter the season that recognizes those that have labored (sometimes literally) and sacrificed to bring life into the world, allow this blog to serve as a source of encouragement.  Mother’s Day, with Father’s Day in rapid succession a month later, has a new “wrinkle” this year, one that is louder than other years.  And it comes with pain and oftentimes confusion for those that are on the receiving end of this increasingly popular “trend.”

Generation Z individuals, born between the late 1990’s and early 2010’s, have distinctive societal characteristics.  Here are just a few: they have never known a life without digital influence, such as smartphones and social media; they are more apt to be entrepreneurs, opting to define wealth and influence their way (usually not monetarily); this group prioritizes mental health, while (ironically) experiencing more anxiety than any other age group.  Another distinction?  They are the leaders of the “No Contact” movement with their parents.  What does “going No Contact” truly mean?

In terms of a healthy therapeutic intervention, these individuals are asserting boundaries that effectively end abuse from toxic family traits, emotional chaos and damage to their mental well-being.  More than other generations, that tend to tolerate being loyal despite poor treatment, Gen Z’s do things differently.  They will use social media platforms and collaborations from their strong connections to determine whether separating from family is their best option for a life without the complications of harmful people that bring more distress.  Again, this is an intervention that is good for dysregulated individuals, as life filled with manipulation and other forms of control are not health sustaining and bolster emotional instability.

Now, let’s have a hard conversation.  If you have been a tyrannical parent, mishandling your children with exploitation and gross misconduct, face that most “no contact” is necessary for the health of your child.  This is a stance taken that is not resorted to lightly or without evaluating life and death at times.  Children raised in these situations can wrestle with suicidal ideations and feelings of being inadequate and unvalued.  Have your children been raised with “no strings attached” love and support, or did it cost them more than they could emotionally pay to earn your love?  Were they told that they could never do anything right and that they were failures?  Was being who they are a disappointment to you, one that you made clear at every opportunity?  An assumption that these parents are knowingly malicious is often heard and believed.  But if you are reading this and can identify that your behaviors have led to this decision of separation in your children, you must get help.  Therapy is a powerful option, as it is not too late to reverse patterns that were probably inflicted upon you.  Make a commitment to put in the work to heal yourself without the expectation that your children will choose to reengage with you.  This is not about the return of your children to your life but to you having a life that can be free of destructive patterns that have held you hostage for years.

On the flipside, if you are a parent reading this and these behaviors have not been in your repertoire, take heart.  Yes, having estranged children is difficult.  And the fracture is only made more confusing when the act of a simple “No” or any other well-intentioned response was offered.  For you, this is the season to honestly assess a few things as well.  Has my relationship with my child been abusive from them towards me?  Have I tolerated disrespect and shame to keep the peace and the relationship (although painful) intact?  What has led me to accept their poor behaviors, despite being solid, loving and present for them when they were in need?  Guess what?  You also need therapy.   The act of love towards yourself needs to be recalibrated.  Being in ANY relationship where you constantly fall on the sword to keep it alive is a tell.  It speaks to your self-worth and people pleasing tendencies.  There is one thing that will always be true:  If you leave it for someone else to tell you what you are worth, they will get it wrong every time.  But if you believe your self-worth is based upon what others think of you, the view you have of yourself needs to transition.  To willingly be treated poorly is undeserved, comes from a deep place of wounding and can be reversed with proper therapeutic care.

“No Contact” has its place.  And as a parent, that place starts with your journey towards seeing yourself with eyes of honesty.  As a toxic parent or a parent scratching your head and asking, “What have I done to deserve this pain?” both need a space where you can become emotionally regulated, come to terms with your own needs and a place to grow in peace.  Therapy remains a potent tool to declare that you will not allow another Mother or Father’s Day to be a grave of wounds.  Heal thyself.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive your children.  And most of all, LIVE.