The interesting thing about our humanity is that we all have quirks.  These behavioral habits are unique to each person, from singing responses to questions, chain smoking, even fidgeting at all times.  They are the things that people typically notice about us and come to accept that, “Oh, that’s just them.”  Behaviors are one thing.  But who you truly are is another.  Are you being loved for you?

Each of us has a need to be understood.  It’s the common theme in our humanness.  We all want to be seen.  We want to be known.  We want to be real with the people in our personal sphere.  What do you do when who you are isn’t a behavior or habit?  When your personal value is honesty with yourself and it does not necessarily align with the values of other people?  What if you being you just simply needs to be understood?

Self-acceptance is difficult when you are faced with disapproval by others that are in your world.  Being “odd” or unconventional can be a trademark of how you want to show up as a human.  When disapproval from others is loud and feels punitive, the natural inclination is towards safety.  “If me being me leads to chastisement and pain, I will close in and not express who I really am” is a posture that many have.  They fear retribution and do not live in the pride of who they are and desire to be.  This “turning inward” can be a dangerous and lonely place.  Depression, anxiety and even self-harm can be the way to “deal” with the rejection of others.  Untreated, all of these outlets are very harmful to a person’s well-being.  It is time to share your truth and be who you are.

Express yourself openly to the people that matter in your life.  People that truly matter to you, and that you matter to, will welcome this renaissance of you.  Living suppressed and unsure of your value and worth will not be healthy long term.  If we are fortunate, we have one or two people that will acknowledge the pain of not being accepted and they will help you to be true to yourself.  Find that person, open up your heart and your story to chip away at the stone walls you have built in the process of living your true life.

Sadly, some people live in a bubble of not being supported by the people in their lives.  If that is you, find a good therapist to share your path and be brave enough to embark on this self-love journey.  Being the real you is very different than being someone that tells stories with a million extra words.  You are a story of a million words.  And while that may prove to be annoying for some, being you should be a welcome trek that is shared with those that believe you matter.  A compassionate and loving therapist can be the person to take that well-deserved hike with you.  You will not be alone.  Be you.  Be your first source of love and acceptance.  Reach out for help.

It may sound funny, but we’re all waiting for something to happen. Whether it is for our love relationship to be stronger and more attached after an affair or to truly connect with the real person that we dream of becoming, the wait is real. It can also be upsetting, challenging and simply feel too hard to wait for what seems impossible. This isn’t a blog to teach you about waiting patiently. Consider this moment to consider the NOW. What do you do “in the meantime?”

“In the meantime” refers to who you are in the right now, while waiting for your family to grow. If you are a couple that is awaiting the beauty of conception to come to fruition, it can mean a great deal of pain and sadness. It’s not often spoken of but infertility struggles can be devastating to a couple’s mental health and well-being. Sure, well-meaning people that love you might say, in the midst of a pregnancy loss or failed implantation, “You can always have another one,” or, “Next time will be successful.” And while those words are meant to bring comfort, it doesn’t alleviate the pain of the situation. If you have ever experienced a loss of pregnancy or conception issues, those well-meaning words can come across as a sword. Often the husband has been forgotten when these episodes are happening. Truth be told, BOTH people are having a difficult time in this process, not just the woman. Which means they BOTH need support. And what better place to get that support than from each other? What do you do when your “in the meantime” looks like more cycles, doctor visits and injections that tell you when to focus on “babymaking” and not lovemaking?

The couple you are right now needs a recentering, a reconnection. When conception attempts take center stage of your love affair, couples can take for granted that not nurturing each other violates that daily necessity. When was the last time you thought about what love between the two of you truly means? Have you had the opportunity to walk through the park, holding hands and reminiscing about the day you met and began falling in love? Does your partner’s laugh still make you chuckle inside or laugh out loud? Can you remember the last time you heard it?

As an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist, it is crucial that you remember the A.R.E. of your relationship: Accessibility, Responsiveness, Engagement. Accessibility to each other in a relationship means, “Can I reach you?” When a couple is undergoing fertility treatments, a great deal of time is spent reaching each other for the purposes of talking about getting pregnant, daydreaming about expanding the family and baby names. What it means to live, “in the meantime,” is that you are talking to one another and about what each of you need. How well are we connecting as a couple in love while we are hoping for what may happen in the future? Responsiveness refers to being able to count on your partner when you are in crisis. Clearly, since both partners are dealing with the process of infertility, they are both in crisis. Mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety, are on the rise with couples struggling with the challenge of conception. Making room to hear out one another and to be seen by your partner when they are in distress speaks to the responsiveness that you have between one another. Finally, Engagement is letting your partner know that you value them and want to be attached to them. It speaks to not feeling alone and having someone that is on your side when you are facing a dilemma.

We are biologically wired for connection. It is very true that medications to decrease depression and anxiety utilize the same neurotransmitters from which physical touch uses. Stay close. Stay connected. Most of all, let your partner know that in the world of emotional upset, they are not alone “in the meantime” of life’s journey.

It is imperative to reach out for therapeutic help when you are navigating infertility. Much more is affected than what your body physically may need. Emotionally, you need to be sure that you are not walking through this pain alone. Having someone that supports you emotionally is vital to being able to successfully get to the other side. Hopefully, the other side looks like an expanded family. However, if it does not end in such a result, you still have one another to love and to cherish. Remind yourselves that it is crucial to make sure you are nurturing one another “in the meantime.”

Despite the fact that it feels as though the new year just showed up, this new year is rapidly rolling by us. As we head towards the middle of another year, the results are being posted in every session and on social media.  From all reports, there have been major ebbs, flows, disappointments and triumphs for all of us to share.  Many of us are at a loss for why there is such a great level of devastation and hopelessness. If you are in the middle of these feelings and concerned that this will be yet another year with nothing good to offer, take heart.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE. A resounding theme seems to be NO. NO to our requests for happiness.  NO to having our simplest needs met.  NO to any surplus of happiness or joy.  How do we navigate the devastating season of NO?

First and foremost, if you are a person that likes to ask, “Why me,” you might want to begin to ponder, “Why not me?” Although that does not sound nice and fluffy, the truth of the matter is we all have hardships to bear. Whether we are talking about a difficult, conflict filled relationship where you feel unloved, the inability to get pregnant while everyone around us is having children or being unemployed when there are reports of an abundance in employment, the pain can seem very loud. The first step is to acknowledge that none of us are immune to pain. If there is any common denominator to humanity, pain is absolutely in that equation. And while it might not be comforting to know that you are not alone, please take heart in the fact that pain for all of us does not last forever. The reminder that hardships come to pass is encouraging.  Whether we believe they come to teach us something or not, there are millions of other people around us that are learning similar lessons. Embrace the why not you.  That sentiment allows you to embrace not being alone in a world full of others that want the pain to stop.

Once you come to terms with the notion that hardship will come your way, it is beneficial to walk with an attitude of gratitude. Cliché, right? But think about how ineffective it is or has been in your life to walk about life living disgruntled about how unfair life feels.  Did you get through your trying experiences faster, or with any level of joy when complaining on a daily basis about the pain? Did you find it easier to make it through the day when 80 % of your thoughts focused on what was not working well as opposed 20% of thoughts where you believed that things could be better/different? Teach yourself to be grateful. Even when everything is not good, rehearse in yourself that things can always be worse. Because quite frankly, they can be. Back to that relationship that is not flowing so smoothly, and love seems to be at the next door neighbor’s house and not your own home.  Have you taken a moment to be grateful that there is someone that comes home to you every night and may be just as confused as you are about how to make things better?  Do you celebrate the notion that there could still be a relationship worth rekindling if there was a therapeutic intervention to help you make sense of it all?  If you are struggling with infertility, it can be very frustrating to look around at all the people that seem to conceive with little to no effort.  Are you blessed enough to be able to afford IVF treatments or have resources of insurance or family that can help you with that huge expense?  Is it possible to volunteer with children at your faith organization or foster waiting children?  These ideas can certainly shift your grief to goodness, even when the pain remains real.  While you were waiting for that job to come along (and not necessarily even a dream career; just a job), have you taken a moment to be grateful that you have a roof over your head and a meal to eat every day? Have you taken note that even when things have been tight monetarily, you haven’t had to live in your car? And if you find yourself at the very depth of despair and are living in a shelter or couch surfing, have you paused to say that you’re grateful for the shelter that will provide you with a meal and a bed to sleep in that does not leave you outside in the elements?  It may not be perfect, but it is provision.  Remember to say thank you for what you do have, even when it’s not perfect.  Please do not mishear me:  pain is pain and pain is real.  Gratitude does not take away the pain of any of these situations.  But it does give you a different perspective on how to move through these painful experiences.

Finally, and I know this is a repeat but worth repeating, seek help. Sometimes things in life really are heavy and need the intervention of someone that will listen, care and help you walk through the pain that you are feeling. Admittedly, sometimes gratitude gestures are too much to bear and hope is something that cannot be mustered with any level of sincerity. Understood. Reach out to a resource that will help you walk through the lowest moments that you cannot see your way through on your own for help.

Dealing with life’s pain alone is difficult. Navigating tough times can feel impossible. Therapy is a terrific resource to help you move through the season of NO.  Remind yourself that there are four seasons for a reason. Reach out if you need help.

We are rounding into the home stretch of the year. It won’t be long before you will be sharing your New Year’s resolutions with a close friend, gathering ideas on how best to spend your tax refund or imagining yourself in a tropical location to escape the winter weather blues. But before you get lost in losing thirty pounds, searching for a new car with a sizable down payment or ordering brochures for an adults only resort in Bimini, let’s get through this holiday season. And more often than not, with heavy hearts or people that we do not want to see.

Yes, that sounds really negative and not very festive. But most of our realities are not overflowing with elation. For many, the holiday season is the time of year that encapsulates the greatest amount of personal pain. This could be the first year without your loved one and fresh memories of that substantial loss. You could be the proverbial “black sheep” in the family. Therefore, sitting around a table serves the dish of reminding yourself that you aren’t good enough or do not fit in with others. And with all of the family and friends gathering around, there is sure to be a new baby or partner for someone else in the room, a painful reminder of what you fear you will never have. These are some of the true holiday moments that will be experienced this year.

How do you survive feeling lost, like an outcast or unlovable? First and foremost, acknowledge that you may not be on solid emotional footing. In the case of losing your bestfriend/life partner, even when surrounded by the most well meaning support, you will indeed feel the pain. Having spent time with someone who “got” you, cared for your heart and made you feel like the world was a beautiful place is an indescribable pain. Facing the reality that your room will never be filled with the abundance of that special love takes time to heal from and time takes the time it needs. Do not allow yourself to feel, or let others tell you, “You should be over that by now.” Grief is the great equalizer. When we are in the throes of it, there is nothing more honorable than to let yourself take those moments to reminisce on what was wonderful. Try to give yourself permission to feel the depth of those feelings. It won’t be easy. But with time, the pain won’t feel so suffocating forever. Next, be true to yourself by being honest with others around you. Having thoughts of being the outcast can be cathartic to share with someone that truly cares for you. If the dinner being hosted by family won’t garner a loving or listening ear, prepare to share your pain before you attend. Sometimes that supportive ear is a therapist or a hotline that offers care for individuals who are in need during the holidays. Reach out in an attempt to process your struggle in a safe place. Finally, choose to believe that things won’t always be so tough. Seeing others experience joy with an expanding family when you are dealing with infertility is tough. Feeling like the third wheel in a room when others are sporting a new partner and smiles can surely feel like a gut punch when there is nobody by your side. Choosing to believe that there will be more for you one day reframes your emotional wellbeing. No, this isn’t a suggestion to say, “I’m fine and nothing is wrong.” This is a gentle suggestion to find a place in yourself that can imagine other possibilities, even if those prospects are not in your here and now. Will all people facing infertility magically have children? Will love come your direction by your next “hot girl summer,” right before your 35th birthday? The answer to both of those may be a heartbreaking NO. That said, when you allow your pain to be the catalyst for bolstered ego strength, you may find a way to celebrate the joy and love around you which can in turn give you more hope.

There will never be a perfect holiday season. We are all fallible as humans. We bring ourselves wherever we go and contribute to the stale air of the holiday get together. And as you hope for people to be gracious with you, remember that extending that to others is a gift you can share in the midst of your own sadness. Challenge yourself to be kind, especially in the face of disappointment and grief. Even when you are the person in the room with the biggest needs, choose to bring some joy for the holiday. Do your best to share the value of you this season.