As we enter the season that recognizes those that have labored (sometimes literally) and sacrificed to bring life into the world, allow this blog to serve as a source of encouragement.  Mother’s Day, with Father’s Day in rapid succession a month later, has a new “wrinkle” this year, one that is louder than other years.  And it comes with pain and oftentimes confusion for those that are on the receiving end of this increasingly popular “trend.”

Generation Z individuals, born between the late 1990’s and early 2010’s, have distinctive societal characteristics.  Here are just a few: they have never known a life without digital influence, such as smartphones and social media; they are more apt to be entrepreneurs, opting to define wealth and influence their way (usually not monetarily); this group prioritizes mental health, while (ironically) experiencing more anxiety than any other age group.  Another distinction?  They are the leaders of the “No Contact” movement with their parents.  What does “going No Contact” truly mean?

In terms of a healthy therapeutic intervention, these individuals are asserting boundaries that effectively end abuse from toxic family traits, emotional chaos and damage to their mental well-being.  More than other generations, that tend to tolerate being loyal despite poor treatment, Gen Z’s do things differently.  They will use social media platforms and collaborations from their strong connections to determine whether separating from family is their best option for a life without the complications of harmful people that bring more distress.  Again, this is an intervention that is good for dysregulated individuals, as life filled with manipulation and other forms of control are not health sustaining and bolster emotional instability.

Now, let’s have a hard conversation.  If you have been a tyrannical parent, mishandling your children with exploitation and gross misconduct, face that most “no contact” is necessary for the health of your child.  This is a stance taken that is not resorted to lightly or without evaluating life and death at times.  Children raised in these situations can wrestle with suicidal ideations and feelings of being inadequate and unvalued.  Have your children been raised with “no strings attached” love and support, or did it cost them more than they could emotionally pay to earn your love?  Were they told that they could never do anything right and that they were failures?  Was being who they are a disappointment to you, one that you made clear at every opportunity?  An assumption that these parents are knowingly malicious is often heard and believed.  But if you are reading this and can identify that your behaviors have led to this decision of separation in your children, you must get help.  Therapy is a powerful option, as it is not too late to reverse patterns that were probably inflicted upon you.  Make a commitment to put in the work to heal yourself without the expectation that your children will choose to reengage with you.  This is not about the return of your children to your life but to you having a life that can be free of destructive patterns that have held you hostage for years.

On the flipside, if you are a parent reading this and these behaviors have not been in your repertoire, take heart.  Yes, having estranged children is difficult.  And the fracture is only made more confusing when the act of a simple “No” or any other well-intentioned response was offered.  For you, this is the season to honestly assess a few things as well.  Has my relationship with my child been abusive from them towards me?  Have I tolerated disrespect and shame to keep the peace and the relationship (although painful) intact?  What has led me to accept their poor behaviors, despite being solid, loving and present for them when they were in need?  Guess what?  You also need therapy.   The act of love towards yourself needs to be recalibrated.  Being in ANY relationship where you constantly fall on the sword to keep it alive is a tell.  It speaks to your self-worth and people pleasing tendencies.  There is one thing that will always be true:  If you leave it for someone else to tell you what you are worth, they will get it wrong every time.  But if you believe your self-worth is based upon what others think of you, the view you have of yourself needs to transition.  To willingly be treated poorly is undeserved, comes from a deep place of wounding and can be reversed with proper therapeutic care.

“No Contact” has its place.  And as a parent, that place starts with your journey towards seeing yourself with eyes of honesty.  As a toxic parent or a parent scratching your head and asking, “What have I done to deserve this pain?” both need a space where you can become emotionally regulated, come to terms with your own needs and a place to grow in peace.  Therapy remains a potent tool to declare that you will not allow another Mother or Father’s Day to be a grave of wounds.  Heal thyself.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive your children.  And most of all, LIVE.

We have already marched through the first quarter of the year and the reports of joy and peace have been underwhelming.  Life is rote: get up, get dressed, muddle through at least eight hours of (un)satisfactory labor, return home for a meal, spend a few moments with those we love (or alone), sleep (if rest can be found) and do it all over again, day after day.  Is this all there is?

Are you interested in shaking things up a bit?  If the routine listed gives you peace, do not move a muscle in a new direction.  No harm or foul.  But if you’re like most people that need something different to feel like life is truly worth living, it’s time to challenge yourself.

The question is simple on the surface: where do I go from here?  To answer it honestly and earnestly, you must assess whether you know the actual destination of what you want your life to look like.  Have you been talking about making a trip internationally with your dusty passport?  Any chance you want to give love a try after a horrendous relationship with a narcissistic, former partner?  Is a faith relationship a thought that you are ready to take a true step towards to understand life better? Growing bored of your “circle” because you realize you have outgrown them?  There is no time like the present.

What is true is that life is truly the only precious commodity that we have.  And that time – which we do not have a glimpse of when it ends – matters.  You need to START, and now is the best time.  Seeing the world will never disappoint you.  There are beautiful people and cultures to explore in just a few hours on a plane.  Love can be so magnificent, especially when you begin with the notion that you DESERVE to be well loved.  Turning towards a faith practice can be life changing and provocative in seeing the depth of how precious this life can be.  As for friends, yes, they come and go.  And go becomes necessary when you recognize that you want to grow beyond where they can lead or walk with you.

In all of these scenarios, and dozens that were not mentioned, you can now answer the question of where your next is.  Figure out what you want and getting there can be the project towards joy.  Therapists are not just trained to discuss depression and anxiety but also help when you need to make a life transition.  Reach out for help.  You will be glad that you did.

Since the power to achieve something is first by defining it, let’s define what more is.  As an adjective, it means in greater quantity, amount, measure, degree, or number.  In noun form, more is something of greater importance.  For the purposes of this blog, the noun is the assignment.

We have seen another year zoom by, without so much as a whisper of recognition of our existence!  And if we’re honest, the challenges we faced had many of us saying, “I’ll be so glad for next year because this one was terrible!”  But who are we kidding?  This isn’t the first time we have uttered those words.  But hopefully, it will be the last.

We will not see more by making fancy resolutions for 1/1, and maybe not even with vision boards with a group of friends.  Lovely ideas, but not potent enough for the DOING to change anything in your life.  Change comes by evaluating whether what you’re striving for has real meaning, is worth sacrificing for…in short, if there is greater importance for what you see for your future.

Do you want to lose weight and have a stronger body?  Is the desire for more income birthed out of purposeful possession and distribution?  Thinking of opening your heart to another person and sharing true intimacy on your list?  All these things are worthwhile investments if they are attached to something of greater importance.

Having a fit body is great when you decide that being able to be strong helps you play with your grandchildren or have the ability to run down three flights of stairs to escape the danger of fire.  Who doesn’t appreciate that money can help to not live in fear of food insecurity or homelessness?  Finally, sharing the value of yourself with someone special is magical for both people, if done openly and honestly.  But take any of these great things and misuse them, greater importance is lost.  Do you want to be in a picture-perfect frame to body shame others?  Is money to be used to make other people feel small and less valuable than you?  Will a new relationship keep you in your old bag of tricks of being unfaithful and narcissistic?  How are any of these great things of greater importance for you or anyone else?

The point of more is to be generous with the resource of you and being honorable towards others.  When more is linked to selfishness and the pain of others, it isn’t more:  it’s a disguise for abuse.  Shoot for the abundance of more but take others with you so you can spend a year understanding that more has room to give as well as receive.  Now that has greater importance all over it.

Need help trying to make sense of what is important, provokes you to flourish and be a more generous person to yourself and others?  Therapy can help.  Reach out for a consultation today.

(Bear with me on this one. Be sure to share this with that special man in your life. As you read on, you will understand why).

You don’t have to be much of a superhero fan to have heard of Superman. A character created in the 1930’s by DC Comics as a superhuman, with super strength, agility, x-ray vision and the ability to fly.  But let’s remember, Superman was also a human named Clark Kent – a journalist by trade, which was fitting because he had firsthand knowledge of breaking news. If there was a bad guy, he learned this information from his career and could move into action to mitigate the threat to the world. In Clark’s alter ego role, he had a downfall:  Kryptonite.  In the comic world, kryptonite is made from krypton, a radioactive material that weakens living things around it. For Superman, his powers were disabled.  This made him an ordinary person with flaws and limitations, just like the rest of humanity. Superman knew to avoid this substance because of the ensuing effects.  What do you do when you have a man that knows the dangers of the more obvious things in life that can break him, but not the lesser known, and often more fatal ones?

Men are notorious for saying, “I am okay/fine/good” without much thought to substantiate those words. They have been wired to be the protectors, providers, the ones that cannot appear weak or complain. But what happens when these “strong men” have a wounded area?  And what if that area is SEX?

It’s easy to say that we need to make a man feel “safe” enough to share his deepest points of pain. The truth is that safety comes from within each of us.  Therefore, needing someone to “give” that to you decreases your own sense of self. Communicating openly is the cure. Being able to do that with your loving partner on the topic of sexual intimacy is a tall task, but one a couple can handle together. Understand that while sex can be the “glue” to your relationship (i.e., the place where two become one), the more vital part about sexual goodness is, “Do we communicate with one another in a way that conveys genuine love, care and concern for who we are?”

Imagine coming home to a person that has a negative outlook on life, often complains and leads you to feeling as though nothing that you do is good enough.  How unsexy that is to make love to? Is there an atmosphere in your relationship that relishes in knowing one another, that is open, non-critical and life enhancing to be around after a long day? Those couples can have passionate and sensual sex. Why?  Because they exhibit a sense of well-being towards their partner, such as, “I care for you” and “I choose you.” The banter between them signifies, “I am a warm place for you to lay your head.”

Make it clear to you partner that you want to collaborate in his feeling good about himself. Be curious about what you can do to enhance who they are and what they need. If your relationship is having struggles with sex, be open to addressing what he needs without judgment or making it about you.  An appropriate question may be, “Are there things going on inside of you that are leading to anxiety or tension? Are these things inhibiting us for making good love?” Be mindful that there may be an answer that leads to hard truths, but ultimately deeper understanding. If you can admit that you are not the softest place to land and that tenderness is not your strength, be willing to hear that truth.  No, this isn’t a blame game. It’s a “How can we work together to get to the best of who we are, even in sex?”

Nothing is easy about getting to good love and great sex. It takes a team, a true partnership, to be curious about seeing those sides of ourselves that want to work with the one we love to avoid their Kryptonite meltdown. Work towards communicating how important your man is to you, even in his frailties. Achieving great sex is not impossible. Be open to taking flight with him to get to good loving. Let your partner know that you want to be that warm place, especially where they struggle.