It may sound funny, but we’re all waiting for something to happen. Whether it is for our love relationship to be stronger and more attached after an affair or to truly connect with the real person that we dream of becoming, the wait is real. It can also be upsetting, challenging and simply feel too hard to wait for what seems impossible. This isn’t a blog to teach you about waiting patiently. Consider this moment to consider the NOW. What do you do “in the meantime?”
“In the meantime” refers to who you are in the right now, while waiting for your family to grow. If you are a couple that is awaiting the beauty of conception to come to fruition, it can mean a great deal of pain and sadness. It’s not often spoken of but infertility struggles can be devastating to a couple’s mental health and well-being. Sure, well-meaning people that love you might say, in the midst of a pregnancy loss or failed implantation, “You can always have another one,” or, “Next time will be successful.” And while those words are meant to bring comfort, it doesn’t alleviate the pain of the situation. If you have ever experienced a loss of pregnancy or conception issues, those well-meaning words can come across as a sword. Often the husband has been forgotten when these episodes are happening. Truth be told, BOTH people are having a difficult time in this process, not just the woman. Which means they BOTH need support. And what better place to get that support than from each other? What do you do when your “in the meantime” looks like more cycles, doctor visits and injections that tell you when to focus on “babymaking” and not lovemaking?
The couple you are right now needs a recentering, a reconnection. When conception attempts take center stage of your love affair, couples can take for granted that not nurturing each other violates that daily necessity. When was the last time you thought about what love between the two of you truly means? Have you had the opportunity to walk through the park, holding hands and reminiscing about the day you met and began falling in love? Does your partner’s laugh still make you chuckle inside or laugh out loud? Can you remember the last time you heard it?
As an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist, it is crucial that you remember the A.R.E. of your relationship: Accessibility, Responsiveness, Engagement. Accessibility to each other in a relationship means, “Can I reach you?” When a couple is undergoing fertility treatments, a great deal of time is spent reaching each other for the purposes of talking about getting pregnant, daydreaming about expanding the family and baby names. What it means to live, “in the meantime,” is that you are talking to one another and about what each of you need. How well are we connecting as a couple in love while we are hoping for what may happen in the future? Responsiveness refers to being able to count on your partner when you are in crisis. Clearly, since both partners are dealing with the process of infertility, they are both in crisis. Mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety, are on the rise with couples struggling with the challenge of conception. Making room to hear out one another and to be seen by your partner when they are in distress speaks to the responsiveness that you have between one another. Finally, Engagement is letting your partner know that you value them and want to be attached to them. It speaks to not feeling alone and having someone that is on your side when you are facing a dilemma.
We are biologically wired for connection. It is very true that medications to decrease depression and anxiety utilize the same neurotransmitters from which physical touch uses. Stay close. Stay connected. Most of all, let your partner know that in the world of emotional upset, they are not alone “in the meantime” of life’s journey.
It is imperative to reach out for therapeutic help when you are navigating infertility. Much more is affected than what your body physically may need. Emotionally, you need to be sure that you are not walking through this pain alone. Having someone that supports you emotionally is vital to being able to successfully get to the other side. Hopefully, the other side looks like an expanded family. However, if it does not end in such a result, you still have one another to love and to cherish. Remind yourselves that it is crucial to make sure you are nurturing one another “in the meantime.”
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