If you have been to a wedding at any point, you are bound to hear the officiant detail what love is. Patient. Kind. Hopes for good things. Never fails. Sounds wonderful, right? Now that we all know what love is, what isn’t it?

Exceptions exist for every situation. But if you have been in a relationship, it’s very possible that you have seen some tough times with your partner. Finances get tricky, children leave little time for a love affair and the loss of one’s health can be devastating. The good news is that even in these scenarios, good love can withstand these things. You and your partner can pull together to make a budget that doesn’t leave you feeling broke. Trustworthy family can step in for an occasional date night with each other. You can be the arms that are nurturing your ill spouse back to health. That’s love. What if you take these same circumstances with different outcomes? Your partner continues to spend and demands that you figure out how to make it work? One of you is more attached to your children than you are to your spouse and avoids making time to make your love work? And those marriage vows about the “in sickness” part was for someone else to deal with, not you?

The One Word Difference Between Love and Codependency is CHAOS…

Codependency is defined as an emotional and behavioral state that can affect a person’s ability to participate in a reciprocally healthy and satisfying relationship. To maintain a relationship, there is an unhealthy reliance upon the other person to meet the needs of their partner. This one-sided “exchange” leads to destructive, emotional damage and oftentimes abuse. Chaos is much the same. It is a disordered and dysfunctional state that invades healthy situations with its unpredictability and upset. There is no clear way to respond to chaos because of its ever-changing behavior. And much like codependency, chaos expects for you to “roll with it,” or “get over it” and adjust to its new asks.

Most of us want to be loved and want to be involved in the goodness of what love brings. What does love bring? A sense of peace, fulfillment, motivation, contentment and even good physical health and life longevity. Codependency (chaos) is a subtractor. It doesn’t add qualities of joy, serenity or long life because it focuses on what it can take from you. Are you in a codependent relationship? Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Is saying no to your partner’s demands for time, money, sex or your energy difficult to do?
2. Is your sense of well-being attached to being self-sacrificing to your partner’s needs?
3. Do you make excuses for your partner’s lack of responsibility, such as addiction, legal troubles or financial negligence?
4. Do you ever feel trapped in your relationship with your partner?
5. Have you trained yourself to avoid conflict with your partner because the arguments tend to escalate to levels that feel unbearable for you to handle?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, please seek help from a qualified professional to ensure that you are safe, can learn how to use your voice to be empowered and gain the courage to become a healthy you, unapologetically.

Good love, quite simply, is good. Codependency is a cry for a better understanding on how to break the cycle of accepting another person’s poor behaviors at the expense of yourself. Get to what you deserve and make a break from the damage of chaos and pain. You are worth it.

It has happened to all of us.  A relationship you once enjoyed has now ended and left you feeling sad, if not puzzled, and feeling truly alone.  You can admit that there were times when things were not going well.  You can also admit that you wondered whether staying was worth it.  What you didn’t imagine was being left, without a trace, a phone call or even a text.  They are just GONE.  Typically, being ordinary people, we need an answer to WHY.  Why did our friendship have to end?  Why did the love I thought we were sharing go away without explanation?  Why?

When people simply disappear, there is a hole that is gaping in us and longs to be filled by validation.  What did I do wrong?  Didn’t I mean enough to you to have a final conversation?  Am I such a horrible person that you didn’t even want to talk to me about what happened?  That validation shows the humanity in us.  And humanity being what it is shows us one more thing:  there are going to be instances in life where you will never get the answer.  Some relationships do not get restored.  Some relationships end and leave you feeling less than whole.  Some relationships never get a final goodbye.  So what do you do when the chair really is empty and there is nobody on the other end of the conversation to help you heal?  You do it yourself.

Closure by yourself is still closure for yourself…

As tough as it may be to think about this, what closure really does is gives you something that you can only truly give to yourself: corroboration of your worth.  The need to hear someone say, “I failed and needed to walk away,” or, “There was nothing wrong with you,” is not the gift that others can give to you.  It is the gift that you must give to yourself.

Now is the time to face the truth about who you were.  Did you do the best you could while the relationship was intact?  Did you make every effort to be kind?  And, even if you failed at times, did you make sure that you fixed your part in the damage with behavioral change when warranted?  When a relationship ends, both parties must look at what they contributed to the distance and ultimate ending.  Being able to say to yourself that you were honorable (not perfect) while in the relationship is the first step towards closure.

If we’re honest, when people choose to walk out of your life, there were already signs.  Signs that led them to believing they weren’t valued by you.  Perhaps they were distant and you didn’t notice their presence was filled with absence.  Another bit of honest reflection may be found in you.  Is it possible that they weren’t of the quality that you believed they were and may not have belonged in your life any longer?  It’s hard to acknowledge but you owe it to yourself to make a true assessment of what you lost.

When we wait for someone else to tell us what we are worth, they will get it wrong every time.

Loss is profoundly painful.  But healing is what we all need to give to yourselves. The kindest act of healing is to first be open to forgiving yourself for your part in the damage.  If you are longing for those final moments to hear from someone else what you are worth, let that go.  Healing does not require anyone’s approval, permission or opinion. You are free to choose to move forward into wholeness.  Start by filling your well with what you know is true about the quality person you are.  That is and always will be a solo conversation.

 

We are all at a place in life where our “normal” has been interrupted by the unknown. And to make matters more difficult, the “new normal” we are yet to see may look more unfamiliar and frightening than ever. What if you are facing this crisis alone? The isolation of not having someone can be very tough emotionally. On the flipside, many people have a house full of people, virtual dance parties and concerts galore. Guess what? They are miserable because the people sharing their lives are not people they want in their lives. No matter which side of the coin you are on, if it’s real to you, it’s real.

We are built for connection in life. To have someone share your trials and triumphs makes life more bearable and fulfilling. Whether that is a love relationship or close friendships, we need people in our lives.

This event, as major as it is, has illuminated what is happening in our relationships. If you are single, this can make for much more emotional upset because it highlights your fears that you may never have someone to share the best and worst of times with in the future. Those types of fears are crippling and can lead to depression. If you are with a partner and realize that the relationship you have is unhealthy, depression can also be your portion. Your fear may be that you will need to “settle” for what you have so you don’t have to face the future alone. In either case, those fears are real and lead to reflection on the quality of your life.

If there was ever a time to assess the life that you want and the one you no will no longer tolerate, it is now. Seeing how life can change dramatically from one week to the next should be an eye opener on how valuable the time that we have is. Take full advantage of the time that is still yours to claim.

It is wise to reflect on what your needs are, alone or coupled. When our “new normal” shows up, make certain that you are doing the work required to have the life and love you want. This “intermission” can serve as the line in the sand to propel you towards the responsibility of getting to the life you truly deserve.

Helping Others Heal Blog #12:  Miss me with “I miss you.”

When we think in terms of the word “miss,” it typically evokes running late to a bus pulling away from your stop or not seeing your favorite musical artist because you were home ill. Now, more often than not, the notion of being missed is in terms of an emotional response. You were in a relationship that has now ended and feel the heaviness of that loss. However, this loss is not due to the permanent event of death. No, you can still see this person on Facebook, laughing with someone new. Or pass them in the office, where your connection began. You know, the loss where someone is absent, and happily so, from your life.

It’s time for a tough look at YOU. Is the smile you see on their Facebook page one that you once proudly helped to put in their face, only to later be guilty that their tears were more of what you provided? Are happy hour outings, that you are not invited to, due to being careless with the needs of that friend?  It may not be pleasant to ponder but it is true: people that do not get treated the way they deserve to be treated (with care and respect) eventually get exhausted. And their exhaustion is typically only quelled by not allowing you to continue to hurt them.

As people we have all let our partners down. That is the burden of humanity – we are flawed individuals with the capacity to take people for granted. Lesson learned (hopefully) and we strive to be better people in our next go round. Not perfect, because that will never happen. Just BETTER.  Better at hearing your partner’s needs. Better at being less selfish. Better at placing value on those that we say we care about and demonstrating it.

Here are some new tactics to make a part of your routine.  Instead of being a Facebook stalker (you know who you are!), trying to convince yourself the one you miss is wearing a fake smile, why not be grateful for the time you had with them and work on improving how you treat others?  Don’t nurse vodka on the rocks sitting across the bar (green with envy) and telling yourself that he “supposedly” is having fun.  Be happy for him and imagine yourself being with new people that you put in the time and energy to nurture.  Invest that energy in being more kind to yourself, which in turn should allow you to be kinder to others.  Stop missing people and become the person that is valuable enough that others want in their lives.