We have already marched through the first quarter of the year and the reports of joy and peace have been underwhelming.  Life is rote: get up, get dressed, muddle through at least eight hours of (un)satisfactory labor, return home for a meal, spend a few moments with those we love (or alone), sleep (if rest can be found) and do it all over again, day after day.  Is this all there is?

Are you interested in shaking things up a bit?  If the routine listed gives you peace, do not move a muscle in a new direction.  No harm or foul.  But if you’re like most people that need something different to feel like life is truly worth living, it’s time to challenge yourself.

The question is simple on the surface: where do I go from here?  To answer it honestly and earnestly, you must assess whether you know the actual destination of what you want your life to look like.  Have you been talking about making a trip internationally with your dusty passport?  Any chance you want to give love a try after a horrendous relationship with a narcissistic, former partner?  Is a faith relationship a thought that you are ready to take a true step towards to understand life better? Growing bored of your “circle” because you realize you have outgrown them?  There is no time like the present.

What is true is that life is truly the only precious commodity that we have.  And that time – which we do not have a glimpse of when it ends – matters.  You need to START, and now is the best time.  Seeing the world will never disappoint you.  There are beautiful people and cultures to explore in just a few hours on a plane.  Love can be so magnificent, especially when you begin with the notion that you DESERVE to be well loved.  Turning towards a faith practice can be life changing and provocative in seeing the depth of how precious this life can be.  As for friends, yes, they come and go.  And go becomes necessary when you recognize that you want to grow beyond where they can lead or walk with you.

In all of these scenarios, and dozens that were not mentioned, you can now answer the question of where your next is.  Figure out what you want and getting there can be the project towards joy.  Therapists are not just trained to discuss depression and anxiety but also help when you need to make a life transition.  Reach out for help.  You will be glad that you did.

Since the power to achieve something is first by defining it, let’s define what more is.  As an adjective, it means in greater quantity, amount, measure, degree, or number.  In noun form, more is something of greater importance.  For the purposes of this blog, the noun is the assignment.

We have seen another year zoom by, without so much as a whisper of recognition of our existence!  And if we’re honest, the challenges we faced had many of us saying, “I’ll be so glad for next year because this one was terrible!”  But who are we kidding?  This isn’t the first time we have uttered those words.  But hopefully, it will be the last.

We will not see more by making fancy resolutions for 1/1, and maybe not even with vision boards with a group of friends.  Lovely ideas, but not potent enough for the DOING to change anything in your life.  Change comes by evaluating whether what you’re striving for has real meaning, is worth sacrificing for…in short, if there is greater importance for what you see for your future.

Do you want to lose weight and have a stronger body?  Is the desire for more income birthed out of purposeful possession and distribution?  Thinking of opening your heart to another person and sharing true intimacy on your list?  All these things are worthwhile investments if they are attached to something of greater importance.

Having a fit body is great when you decide that being able to be strong helps you play with your grandchildren or have the ability to run down three flights of stairs to escape the danger of fire.  Who doesn’t appreciate that money can help to not live in fear of food insecurity or homelessness?  Finally, sharing the value of yourself with someone special is magical for both people, if done openly and honestly.  But take any of these great things and misuse them, greater importance is lost.  Do you want to be in a picture-perfect frame to body shame others?  Is money to be used to make other people feel small and less valuable than you?  Will a new relationship keep you in your old bag of tricks of being unfaithful and narcissistic?  How are any of these great things of greater importance for you or anyone else?

The point of more is to be generous with the resource of you and being honorable towards others.  When more is linked to selfishness and the pain of others, it isn’t more:  it’s a disguise for abuse.  Shoot for the abundance of more but take others with you so you can spend a year understanding that more has room to give as well as receive.  Now that has greater importance all over it.

Need help trying to make sense of what is important, provokes you to flourish and be a more generous person to yourself and others?  Therapy can help.  Reach out for a consultation today.

(Bear with me on this one. Be sure to share this with that special man in your life. As you read on, you will understand why).

You don’t have to be much of a superhero fan to have heard of Superman. A character created in the 1930’s by DC Comics as a superhuman, with super strength, agility, x-ray vision and the ability to fly.  But let’s remember, Superman was also a human named Clark Kent – a journalist by trade, which was fitting because he had firsthand knowledge of breaking news. If there was a bad guy, he learned this information from his career and could move into action to mitigate the threat to the world. In Clark’s alter ego role, he had a downfall:  Kryptonite.  In the comic world, kryptonite is made from krypton, a radioactive material that weakens living things around it. For Superman, his powers were disabled.  This made him an ordinary person with flaws and limitations, just like the rest of humanity. Superman knew to avoid this substance because of the ensuing effects.  What do you do when you have a man that knows the dangers of the more obvious things in life that can break him, but not the lesser known, and often more fatal ones?

Men are notorious for saying, “I am okay/fine/good” without much thought to substantiate those words. They have been wired to be the protectors, providers, the ones that cannot appear weak or complain. But what happens when these “strong men” have a wounded area?  And what if that area is SEX?

It’s easy to say that we need to make a man feel “safe” enough to share his deepest points of pain. The truth is that safety comes from within each of us.  Therefore, needing someone to “give” that to you decreases your own sense of self. Communicating openly is the cure. Being able to do that with your loving partner on the topic of sexual intimacy is a tall task, but one a couple can handle together. Understand that while sex can be the “glue” to your relationship (i.e., the place where two become one), the more vital part about sexual goodness is, “Do we communicate with one another in a way that conveys genuine love, care and concern for who we are?”

Imagine coming home to a person that has a negative outlook on life, often complains and leads you to feeling as though nothing that you do is good enough.  How unsexy that is to make love to? Is there an atmosphere in your relationship that relishes in knowing one another, that is open, non-critical and life enhancing to be around after a long day? Those couples can have passionate and sensual sex. Why?  Because they exhibit a sense of well-being towards their partner, such as, “I care for you” and “I choose you.” The banter between them signifies, “I am a warm place for you to lay your head.”

Make it clear to you partner that you want to collaborate in his feeling good about himself. Be curious about what you can do to enhance who they are and what they need. If your relationship is having struggles with sex, be open to addressing what he needs without judgment or making it about you.  An appropriate question may be, “Are there things going on inside of you that are leading to anxiety or tension? Are these things inhibiting us for making good love?” Be mindful that there may be an answer that leads to hard truths, but ultimately deeper understanding. If you can admit that you are not the softest place to land and that tenderness is not your strength, be willing to hear that truth.  No, this isn’t a blame game. It’s a “How can we work together to get to the best of who we are, even in sex?”

Nothing is easy about getting to good love and great sex. It takes a team, a true partnership, to be curious about seeing those sides of ourselves that want to work with the one we love to avoid their Kryptonite meltdown. Work towards communicating how important your man is to you, even in his frailties. Achieving great sex is not impossible. Be open to taking flight with him to get to good loving. Let your partner know that you want to be that warm place, especially where they struggle.

Relationships filled with attachment, security and adoration are what we all want.  Someone you look forward to coming home to after a day of expectations from others is what we crave.  A date night with hands touching and smiles radiating across the table. A huge, shared box of popcorn watching a romantic comedy at the movies.  These moments help to build on feeling closer and enjoying the joys of life.  But who is making time for these experiences?  Life is more than hectic, typically two earners with stressful careers, a couple of children and limited time to nurture the love we want and deserve.  That leads to limited quality time to replenish one another after long work weeks and too many responsibilities to perform.  Sadly, this results in diminished intimacy – sexually and otherwise – poor communication and unresolved conflicts.  This distance, over an extended span of time, can lead the couple to ponder, “Is this as good as it gets?”

Fortunately, the answer is No.  This can get better and you can have more as a couple.  The first step is to acknowledge that something has to change in both of you.  When there is a love partnership, both parties must do the work to make good love successful.  There are no exceptions.  Should the couple fail to see that something is required from each of them, nothing will change.  Both people must be committed to taking the steps to bring more to the proverbial love table.

Next, renew your commitment to making your love a priority.  Most couples can remember a time when they were clear that “us time” was high on their list of life.  Long days at work seemed bearable because seeing your partner that evening brought a smile to your face.  Take advantage of all the time you can squeeze into a day.  A time of parallel play (the term used for when a couple is together in a common space, engaged in their individual activities, with time to laugh, touch or create banter is involved) still qualifies as a time to feel connection and boost the affinity towards one another.  This commitment is intentional and says, “We will make time for memories and to be connected to one another.”

Lastly, remind yourselves that this new commitment must be maintained at all costs.  Most couples will begin the practice of spending more time together then sadly allow the busyness of life to disrupt their most treasured asset: their love.  Recruit family and friends by planning ahead to make the time to be together.  If work is the time thief, you need to address whether what you are giving up in your love affair will sustain you once the job is gone, either in retirement or a layoff.  Most would say nothing is more important than the heart you chose to cherish.  If that is how you truly feel – or want to feel again – make yourself accountable to clear boundaries and covet that time you want to give to one another.

None of us will ever get around how many obligations come with this life.  It can be difficult to think about how to live more richly when we are tired and stretched thin.  But at the end of this life, what we will carry away with us are the most important moments we made with those that we loved and loved us in return.  If you have allowed that to be less of a concern in your life, remind yourself of what really matters.  We only have one go at letting love be what we want it to be with the person we know deserves our best.