You’re the guy that understands that love is a verb. It’s not just three simple words of expression. It’s memorizing the sweet notes in her favorite perfumes as you stroll through Bloomingdale’s to buy her another signature scent. The handpicked flowers in her favorite color. The dinner reservations for two at your place, with the meal prepared by your hands. And most of all, the tenderness you extend towards her when you notice she’s had a rough day and she’s a bit bristly in tone with you. And despite all of this, you are consistently met with insecurity and questions like, “Do you really love me?” As frustrating as this can be, let’s break down the content and context of love.

Clearly, we all come from different places. Our life experiences shape not only who we are but how we see the world. The man “verbing” the woman he loves comes from a place where he saw his father adore his mother. He witnessed the distinct actions of love given by his father and understood that this was what love not only said, but did. Let’s consider that to him, the CONTENT of all he is displaying should say to her, “I am choosing you to love.” Seems clear, right? Not so fast.

The receiver of this content must filter the actions and words through the CONTEXT from which they come. She hasn’t overlooked the flowers or romance. But her background is one of seeing abuse. Her father was not tender with her mother. Physical and verbal abuse were pervasive in her home and the “apologies” were expensive gifts and an abundance of lovely words. Which can she now trust? The hope is that eventually his content outweighs the context she has seen in her life for decades.

If you find yourself seeing life through a skewed lens of dysfunction, be encouraged. The first step is to institute a filter to purify the messages you are receiving from your partner. Although the context inside of you says what he is demonstrating cannot be true and is fleeting, ask yourself, “What have I come to truly know about who he is? Is he a man who is impeccable with his word? Does he regard being honorable as paramount in his daily life? Is he consistent in his character and integrity?” If the answers to these types of questions lead you back to, HE CONSISTENTLY SHOWS ME WHO HE IS AND THE MESSAGE IS LOVING AND KIND, choose to challenge the context where your emotions rule the ability to receive something pure. Secondly, practice gratitude for the love being shown to you. Even when it’s difficult to believe that this goodness is for you, tell your partner that you appreciate them and their kindness. Sharing these words will provoke the negative context in you to adjust its focus on the content that is being demonstrated. Not to mention give your partner a hopeful outlook that what they are sending towards you is acknowledged. Finally, remember that the impact of learning to receive goodness in one area of your life opens you up to have more goodness in other areas. Such things as the ability to secure close and loyal friends, a new belief that a good job could be for you and not just others, etc. Trusting that your life is not a perpetual dark cloud is liberating. And please don’t forget, rainbows tend to peek out after the worst storms.

As for the man who loves deeply and openly, don’t lose heart. Believe that your love can eventually serve many purposes. One of which is to help heal the trauma the person you love has experienced. After all, relationships are meant to be a place of shared wholeness and mutual healing.  It’s what we all deserve.

As the new year rolls in, here come the lists of resolutions!  There are resolutions about health, finances and being “the change you want to see.”  Losing weight, getting on a budget and spending time doing volunteer work are top commitments we often hear from our friends and family.  Now, with a world still in a pandemic and spending time confined in place, love is making a grand appearance to this list.  Yes, that big, scary word that means sharing your flaws and fears with someone special, hoping they will love you back.

Previously, you have been down this love path.  You were all in and discovered that your love interest was not who they claimed to be.  Your heart was shattered and you don’t know if you can rebound or learn to trust someone new.  Guess what?  YOU CAN BEGIN AGAIN.

The first step is making sure you are healed enough to date.  That means you have allowed the baggage of the past to be eradicated from your life.  Your conversation doesn’t linger on how poorly you had been treated, how they should be miserable for the rest of their life or that he/she will hurt their next partner.  Healing looks like GRATITUDE.  Gratitude that you were able to walk away.  Gratitude that time has allowed you to reflect upon what you are worthy of from a partner.  Gratitude that shows up in the words from your mouth that are life giving and affirmative on how you deserve to be loved.

Secondly, be mindful of the people who get your time.  Not just love partners, but friends and family.  People in your circle should be whole, kind and add value to your life.  If you are surrounded by negative, gossiping and miserable people, it’s time to serve an eviction notice!  Somehow you have attracted people that take away from where you are going in life.  As politely as you can, thank them for who they had been to you.  Let them know it is time for you to move in a new direction of truth on who you want to be.

Finally, with healthy connections around you, make yourself available to new experiences.  Join a group that shares your interests for jogging or being creative.  Join a book club, even virtually, and make a commitment to learn about at least one person in the group to start building a friendship.  Enjoy a concert with an unusual style of music for you, such as classical music or 80’s pop.  To be new, you must try new things.  Take a risk by opening your life.

Beginning again is very possible, no matter how much we have gone through in life.  Work on being whole, eliminate the people who do more subtracting than adding and make new moments.  Love may seem daunting, but when it is lovingly and openly reciprocated, it is well worth the investment.

It may be a hard pill to swallow but here we go. Believe it or not, not all men are dogs/cheaters/abusers. Not all women are gold diggers/nags/prima donnas. In reality, there are many individuals in loving, trusting and solidly good relationships. That is not to say that some of us have not seen the dark side of people in previous relationships, where abuse was the rule and not the exception. Where a narcissist chose to gaslight you on a daily basis to convince you that you could do no better than them. Where a tyrant physically abused you and you were instructed that you should “behave.” What do you do when you get yourself whole enough to date again, attract that right person and you just cannot let go of the abusive behaviors of the person in your past?

Simple. Perfect the art of GRATITUDE.

Trauma is very real. The painful memories of past abuse can leave you wondering, “Is this person too good to be true?” And when you are faced with that fear constantly, it can cripple you into a lack of trust with your loving partner. It can also lead you to “act out” and self-sabotage (perhaps unknowingly) the relationship with behaviors that challenge the good love trying to be shared with you. You can put a stop to self-sabotage by learning how to be grateful for the love you are receiving.

Does your partner show up when they say they will, despite your previous mate habitually being unfaithful and never being where they said they would be? Say, “I’m grateful that I can count on your word being true to me.” Does your partner give you compliments about how kind and beautiful you are, while the harsh words of being fat still ring in your head? Tell them, “I’m so glad that you see the value in me, inside and out.” Were you physically abused in a previous relationship and your new partner is level-headed, doesn’t raise their voice and will pick up a spider in a tissue and sit it out the door instead of squishing it? Smile while you praise them with, “I am blessed to have such a gentle person in my life.”

One of the most effective ways to quell past traumas and triggers is to stay present. Enjoy the love that you are receiving. Acknowledge that while it may be strange and feel uncomfortable, you are willing to move forward and nurture the newness of real and abiding love. Make the choice to move beyond the past, embrace the goodness of the present and tell your partner how grateful you are that you are sharing the best years of your life with someone as wonderful as they are. You deserve that.

It goes without saying that relationships can be a challenge and difficult to navigate. After all, we are just people and we are imperfect. Hopefully, most of us are doing the best we can to live to an acceptable standard of caring for others as we attempt to care for ourselves. That said, we are never going to get it “just right,” nor should we hold ourselves to a level of unachievable perfection. (Read the blog entitled “Addressing Shame” for further clarification).

What do you do in a relationship where your partner is doing their level best to be good to you, serve you with love and kindness and they fall short? You want to marry her but some of her behaviors remind you of your ex and that terrifies you. But what she does offer is loyalty, honesty and an equal partnership, which you never had in your former life. He’s not great at gift giving – a vacuum cleaner for Valentine’s Day? However, without fail, he will hold you as you cry when you talk about your estranged relationship with your mother. She can be a bit cranky after a full day with the kids. You can hear them screaming as you approach your front door. But you can also smell your delicious dinner, which you have no idea how she finds time to make, every day when you come home from work. What do you do with a partner that does not meet every one of your needs? You choose to love and accept them, flaws and all.

There are no perfect people. Stop hunting for them. Grace is the foundation of every great relationship. If you are sharing your life with anyone to any great level, you will have to find the strength to overlook the things they do that aggravate you while they do their best to honor the privilege of your presence in their life. And guess what? In a true partnership, they are doing the same for you.

Set the standard for loving people well. Be emotionally available to them, even when you feel frustrated by their behaviors. Do not hold them to an impossibility that neither you nor they will ever fulfill. Show your partner some grace today.