We are all at a place in life where our “normal” has been interrupted by the unknown. And to make matters more difficult, the “new normal” we are yet to see may look more unfamiliar and frightening than ever. What if you are facing this crisis alone? The isolation of not having someone can be very tough emotionally. On the flipside, many people have a house full of people, virtual dance parties and concerts galore. Guess what? They are miserable because the people sharing their lives are not people they want in their lives. No matter which side of the coin you are on, if it’s real to you, it’s real.

We are built for connection in life. To have someone share your trials and triumphs makes life more bearable and fulfilling. Whether that is a love relationship or close friendships, we need people in our lives.

This event, as major as it is, has illuminated what is happening in our relationships. If you are single, this can make for much more emotional upset because it highlights your fears that you may never have someone to share the best and worst of times with in the future. Those types of fears are crippling and can lead to depression. If you are with a partner and realize that the relationship you have is unhealthy, depression can also be your portion. Your fear may be that you will need to “settle” for what you have so you don’t have to face the future alone. In either case, those fears are real and lead to reflection on the quality of your life.

If there was ever a time to assess the life that you want and the one you no will no longer tolerate, it is now. Seeing how life can change dramatically from one week to the next should be an eye opener on how valuable the time that we have is. Take full advantage of the time that is still yours to claim.

It is wise to reflect on what your needs are, alone or coupled. When our “new normal” shows up, make certain that you are doing the work required to have the life and love you want. This “intermission” can serve as the line in the sand to propel you towards the responsibility of getting to the life you truly deserve.

Helping Others Heal Blog #12:  Miss me with “I miss you.”

When we think in terms of the word “miss,” it typically evokes running late to a bus pulling away from your stop or not seeing your favorite musical artist because you were home ill. Now, more often than not, the notion of being missed is in terms of an emotional response. You were in a relationship that has now ended and feel the heaviness of that loss. However, this loss is not due to the permanent event of death. No, you can still see this person on Facebook, laughing with someone new. Or pass them in the office, where your connection began. You know, the loss where someone is absent, and happily so, from your life.

It’s time for a tough look at YOU. Is the smile you see on their Facebook page one that you once proudly helped to put in their face, only to later be guilty that their tears were more of what you provided? Are happy hour outings, that you are not invited to, due to being careless with the needs of that friend?  It may not be pleasant to ponder but it is true: people that do not get treated the way they deserve to be treated (with care and respect) eventually get exhausted. And their exhaustion is typically only quelled by not allowing you to continue to hurt them.

As people we have all let our partners down. That is the burden of humanity – we are flawed individuals with the capacity to take people for granted. Lesson learned (hopefully) and we strive to be better people in our next go round. Not perfect, because that will never happen. Just BETTER.  Better at hearing your partner’s needs. Better at being less selfish. Better at placing value on those that we say we care about and demonstrating it.

Here are some new tactics to make a part of your routine.  Instead of being a Facebook stalker (you know who you are!), trying to convince yourself the one you miss is wearing a fake smile, why not be grateful for the time you had with them and work on improving how you treat others?  Don’t nurse vodka on the rocks sitting across the bar (green with envy) and telling yourself that he “supposedly” is having fun.  Be happy for him and imagine yourself being with new people that you put in the time and energy to nurture.  Invest that energy in being more kind to yourself, which in turn should allow you to be kinder to others.  Stop missing people and become the person that is valuable enough that others want in their lives.

Helping Others Heal Blog #11:  I Need You.

It’s amazing that when you ask someone what they need, the physiological needs are typically all that come to mind.  Merriam-Webster dictionary defines physiological as characteristic of or appropriate to an organism’s healthy or normal functioning.  So yes – air, water, food, shelter and clothing are things we need.  It is RARE to hear that a spouse/partner is added to the list of need. “My partner isn’t a need like I need water,” or “I don’t need my wife to breathe,” are often the initial thoughts.  What if there was something so vital to your well-being, like water and air, which made your life worth living and had the capacity to make it more fulfilling?  There is.  It’s called PEOPLE.

Take a moment.  That’s a huge notion, but it is true.  Take the term, “dying of a broken heart.”  It is common that when one of the partners in a lifelong love affair passes away, the remaining partner dies in close proximity to the initial passing.  There are numerous studies that prove that the touch of someone can lower your blood pressure, improves your immune system and releases the “good juices” in your brain (serotonin and dopamine) that reduce anxiety and stress.  There must be some truth to needing to have companionship and closeness with someone to make life worth living.

Do you need your partner/spouse?  Is having them in your life something that brings you a sense of peace, warmth and security?  Does having their presence invoke comfort and calm?  Do you feel like they make you a better man/woman?  Hopefully you can say YES to each of those questions.  If you cannot, simply put, ONE OF YOU IS UNNECESSARY.

We live a life that is far too short to not share it with someone we love and that loves us in return.   If you cannot say of your mate that you need them, ask yourself: does that level of vulnerability and openness scare me or is it that I’m in a relationship where my needs are not being met?  If vulnerability is scary and makes you feel unsure, get help to understand how you can overcome that fear. 

Give needing your partner a try.  Take a moment to get close, look them in the eye and utter these simple but powerful words:  I need you.  When you are loved well, needing someone will taste like clean drinking water and breathing in fresh air.  Let today be the first day that you feel safe to need your partner.

 

Be honest (if not with anyone else) with yourself.  You KNOW you are in a miserable relationship.  You KNOW that you are being mistreated and unappreciated.  You KNOW how unhealthy it is for you to stay, emotionally, mentally and perhaps physically.  What you believe is that you have put time, great effort and love into this union and walking away leaves you with nothing.  You are being plagued by F.O.M.O, the Fear Of Missing Out.  You hold on believing your mate will take all the love you have poured into them, which will eventually make them a terrific person, for somebody else!  Ugh!  The thought of you doing all of this hard work, struggling to make them honest, loving and a great catch will not be yours to enjoy.  He will walk away and be the best person for her.  She will grow a heart, see the error of her ways and be the best girlfriend to him.  This is simply something you cannot allow to happen!

“What about me,” you say?  What about all that I gave in this relationship?  What about all the love and care that will ultimately make him a better man?  What of the plastic surgery I paid for that now has her looking like a bombshell that someone else will enjoy?  How is any of what I put in that they will share with the next person going to benefit me if I leave?  Let’s ask a better question: how much of the you that put in the hard work only to gain no love in return will be lost forever if you stay?

The truth of the matter is that people make a choice to love you.  They make that choice in spite of you because it’s their choice to make.  So whether you put in 90% of the work and they could barely muster the 10% you received in return, they chose that 10% as your value.  And you continuing to stay in this chaos to eventually get back a love that takes your breath away may NEVER happen. The only thing you know for sure is that as each day goes by, more of your value is diminished.  The tears seem like a fountain that won’t end and you are beginning to dread the days you wake up in the morning.  Is this “love affair” you are anticipating in misery worth it?

Let them go!  Yes, let them go to the new person.  Whether they leave as a better person, the same person or a worse person matters not!  Let them walk away.  And as they walk, you walk, too.  But walk away knowing that you deserve a love that makes you want to get up and enjoy every day you have left in this life.  Walk away convinced that you deserve to live free of not feeling like you are not enough.  YOU ARE ENOUGH (for someone who makes the choice to love you).

By the way…you know all that love you have given so freely, honestly and with expectation of having in return?  You can take all of that to the next deserving person and finally get to know what a mutually satisfying relationship feels like.  Leave that empty relationship and F.O.M.O. behind.  Look forward to a future with a person that makes the choice to give you what you give in return.