Despite the fact that it feels as though the new year just showed up, this new year is rapidly rolling by us. As we head towards the middle of another year, the results are being posted in every session and on social media. From all reports, there have been major ebbs, flows, disappointments and triumphs for all of us to share. Many of us are at a loss for why there is such a great level of devastation and hopelessness. If you are in the middle of these feelings and concerned that this will be yet another year with nothing good to offer, take heart. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. A resounding theme seems to be NO. NO to our requests for happiness. NO to having our simplest needs met. NO to any surplus of happiness or joy. How do we navigate the devastating season of NO?
First and foremost, if you are a person that likes to ask, “Why me,” you might want to begin to ponder, “Why not me?” Although that does not sound nice and fluffy, the truth of the matter is we all have hardships to bear. Whether we are talking about a difficult, conflict filled relationship where you feel unloved, the inability to get pregnant while everyone around us is having children or being unemployed when there are reports of an abundance in employment, the pain can seem very loud. The first step is to acknowledge that none of us are immune to pain. If there is any common denominator to humanity, pain is absolutely in that equation. And while it might not be comforting to know that you are not alone, please take heart in the fact that pain for all of us does not last forever. The reminder that hardships come to pass is encouraging. Whether we believe they come to teach us something or not, there are millions of other people around us that are learning similar lessons. Embrace the why not you. That sentiment allows you to embrace not being alone in a world full of others that want the pain to stop.
Once you come to terms with the notion that hardship will come your way, it is beneficial to walk with an attitude of gratitude. Cliché, right? But think about how ineffective it is or has been in your life to walk about life living disgruntled about how unfair life feels. Did you get through your trying experiences faster, or with any level of joy when complaining on a daily basis about the pain? Did you find it easier to make it through the day when 80 % of your thoughts focused on what was not working well as opposed 20% of thoughts where you believed that things could be better/different? Teach yourself to be grateful. Even when everything is not good, rehearse in yourself that things can always be worse. Because quite frankly, they can be. Back to that relationship that is not flowing so smoothly, and love seems to be at the next door neighbor’s house and not your own home. Have you taken a moment to be grateful that there is someone that comes home to you every night and may be just as confused as you are about how to make things better? Do you celebrate the notion that there could still be a relationship worth rekindling if there was a therapeutic intervention to help you make sense of it all? If you are struggling with infertility, it can be very frustrating to look around at all the people that seem to conceive with little to no effort. Are you blessed enough to be able to afford IVF treatments or have resources of insurance or family that can help you with that huge expense? Is it possible to volunteer with children at your faith organization or foster waiting children? These ideas can certainly shift your grief to goodness, even when the pain remains real. While you were waiting for that job to come along (and not necessarily even a dream career; just a job), have you taken a moment to be grateful that you have a roof over your head and a meal to eat every day? Have you taken note that even when things have been tight monetarily, you haven’t had to live in your car? And if you find yourself at the very depth of despair and are living in a shelter or couch surfing, have you paused to say that you’re grateful for the shelter that will provide you with a meal and a bed to sleep in that does not leave you outside in the elements? It may not be perfect, but it is provision. Remember to say thank you for what you do have, even when it’s not perfect. Please do not mishear me: pain is pain and pain is real. Gratitude does not take away the pain of any of these situations. But it does give you a different perspective on how to move through these painful experiences.
Finally, and I know this is a repeat but worth repeating, seek help. Sometimes things in life really are heavy and need the intervention of someone that will listen, care and help you walk through the pain that you are feeling. Admittedly, sometimes gratitude gestures are too much to bear and hope is something that cannot be mustered with any level of sincerity. Understood. Reach out to a resource that will help you walk through the lowest moments that you cannot see your way through on your own for help.
Dealing with life’s pain alone is difficult. Navigating tough times can feel impossible. Therapy is a terrific resource to help you move through the season of NO. Remind yourself that there are four seasons for a reason. Reach out if you need help.
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