Humans always have, and always will, need connection. Try as you might, being alone and isolated is not (thankfully) a natural inclination for us. Touch brings physiological changes to blood pressure, stress and mental wellbeing. In fact, studies have shown that premature babies that are isolated need touch in order to thrive. Without that connectivity, they have developmental delays and worse, even death. These needs do not dissipate as we mature to adulthood. We need attachment to provide homeostasis, emotional regulation and a sense of security. What happens when you believe your life has been blessed by a positive bond with another person, only to discover that what you had will no longer remain intact? What happens when love goes wrong?

Our bodies react strongly when loss takes place. Grieving happens in people physically when there is a death/life lost. The need to accept the finality that someone will never be a part of your sensory life again is very difficult to bear. Therefore, your body responds to this loss in the same Failure to Thrive (FTT) way that babies experience. The deprivation of having the shoulder to lean on, hand to hold or smile to greet you after a long day puts you in emotional distress. Emotional dysregulation leads to depression and even physical pain. To return to a functioning state, we must return to the attachment and care of another person. Do you have that friend that seeks to immediately get into another relationship after a breakup? Actually, it is normal to see people in a quick search for the next partner. It is our body’s way of telling us that we need to be connected.

The sense of disappointment in losing your partner can feel overwhelming. Hopes are built on sharing your life with someone. Relationships, even unhealthy ones, evoke hope and build a sense of belonging and purpose. It doesn’t matter why things did not last a lifetime. What matters is that the loss affects every fiber of your being. To return to emotional wholeness, find ways to reconnect to others. That doesn’t mean jumping into the next relationship right away. Give yourself the space to heal before attempting to begin again with someone new. What it can mean is finding ways to share your life again. Friends, family, even adopting a pet, can keep you from isolating and starving your humanity by remaining alone. Convincing yourself that you can “go it alone” is a decision that will affect every part of your life. Connect so you can heal and become whole.

When it comes to emotional manipulation tactics, it can sometimes be difficult to understand that you are in a hostile environment.  Emotional manipulators can be masterful at disguising their control as love.  There are many types of emotional manipulation.  Let’s discuss the top three types.

Gaslighting:

Odd term that derived from a movie in the 30’s about a husband that appeared kind, caring and sweet towards his wife, an heiress.  He used lies and manipulation tactics to isolate her from her friends to steal her fortune.  In today’s “self-help” world, gaslighting is often misused.  The basic premise is that a person attempts to isolate their partner from others who may be able to spot the abusive partner’s schemes.  As a bonus, they use lies and manipulation in a way to coerce your mental health by creating scenarios that cause you to question whether you are crazy.  For example, you stated clearly your needs to your partner regarding their upsetting behaviors.  What you may get in return is a partner that tells you that the opposite words were used, that you are making things up or even feign care for your emotional well-being (“Are you feeling okay?  You seem confused and I’m concerned.”).  This technique is quite effective when you fear confrontation, suffer from “fight fatigue” or easily question yourself because you become distracted because you have been told repeatedly about how “off” you are.

Love bombing:

This term has gained popularity in recent years.  As with the previous scenario, you may state your needs from your partner, and they move further away from you and your needs. Rather than look at themselves and how they can help meet your needs together, they abandon you with a loss of affection, time and care.  When you decide that you will simply not be treated in an unhealthy way, this type of partner bombards you with attention and love.  They cannot seem to get enough of you.  They need your undivided time and attention.  They work tirelessly to please you – temporarily.  The name of their game is to give the impression that you are being well loved, only to perform the pushing away acts once you settle into the care you believe you are receiving.  And then the cycle begins again.

Playing the victim:

Most of us have had some form of trauma in life and relationships.  Abusive or absent parents.  Dismissive partners.  Disloyal friends.  This type of manipulator has more abuse than anyone when confronted with their behavior.  If you share your disappointment in how you are being treated, they will give you a list of all the ills that they have suffered at the hands of others.  Perhaps even at your hands!  When they detail their pain, it is to solicit you to assuage their pain by shifting the focus from how they are hurting you and how you should work harder to heal them.

If you find yourself in any of these situations, you will need help to break free from this captivity.  Seek professional counseling to enable you to stop this abuse.  Long term, this is detrimental to your self-worth and esteem.  It is very easy to fall prey to this behavior, particularly when your goal is to love well and be loved in return.  Do not face this alone.  Call for help today.

Several words come to mind when the word LOVE comes into the room. Words such as blissful, beautiful and lucky. Once referred to as a “many splendored thing,” love is also a frightening pursuit. The truth is, to get to the place of a deep and abiding love, you open yourself up to the possibility of sharing your world with someone that can make life joyful. On the flipside, that same person can take your breath away by hurting you in the deepest and most personal way. In a single word: VULNERABILITY.

As unpopular as this concept may be, you cannot truly give love or receive love without being vulnerable. Having the willingness to be harmed emotionally is not for the faint at heart. It takes courage to share the intimate pieces of your heart and mind, hopeful that the recipient is grateful for your honesty and trust. But real life says we will be disappointed. Real life says that we will mistake lust for love and share too deeply, too soon and sometimes to devastation. Real life says it will hurt. When faced with the possibility of being leveled by someone that didn’t care for you in the ways that your openness warranted, do you shut down, shut out and stay shut off? In another word: NO.

Vulnerability has negative connotations because it hints at how difficult being open can be. There is a risk of letting a stranger step into your world, see the flaws and frailties of who you are and hope that they determine you are deserving of their true love and care. The beauty of that vulnerability is that real love can withstand you being human. The person on the other side is also hopeful that what they share with you will be met with open arms and an open heart. Can you be crushed for sharing that you have intense trauma in your past that roars in the present from time to time? Is sharing your physical or mental health diagnosis a potential area for ridicule or public shaming? Absolutely. There is also a great possibility that the heart you share from is matched well with a heart that is grateful to get ALL OF YOU. And that heart wants to care for you, love you, protect you and reinforce that you are enough.

The best things in life are often fraught with taking a risk. From leaving a stable job to begin an entrepreneurial pursuit to plunking down thousands of dollars on a home that hopefully isn’t a money pit, some risks are worth taking. Love is the same way. And like the new job or the new home, even with the best of due diligence, we may not find that deserving heart the first time. Be courageous! Try again. Learn to love bravely so you can receive the same in return.

You’re the guy that understands that love is a verb. It’s not just three simple words of expression. It’s memorizing the sweet notes in her favorite perfumes as you stroll through Bloomingdale’s to buy her another signature scent. The handpicked flowers in her favorite color. The dinner reservations for two at your place, with the meal prepared by your hands. And most of all, the tenderness you extend towards her when you notice she’s had a rough day and she’s a bit bristly in tone with you. And despite all of this, you are consistently met with insecurity and questions like, “Do you really love me?” As frustrating as this can be, let’s break down the content and context of love.

Clearly, we all come from different places. Our life experiences shape not only who we are but how we see the world. The man “verbing” the woman he loves comes from a place where he saw his father adore his mother. He witnessed the distinct actions of love given by his father and understood that this was what love not only said, but did. Let’s consider that to him, the CONTENT of all he is displaying should say to her, “I am choosing you to love.” Seems clear, right? Not so fast.

The receiver of this content must filter the actions and words through the CONTEXT from which they come. She hasn’t overlooked the flowers or romance. But her background is one of seeing abuse. Her father was not tender with her mother. Physical and verbal abuse were pervasive in her home and the “apologies” were expensive gifts and an abundance of lovely words. Which can she now trust? The hope is that eventually his content outweighs the context she has seen in her life for decades.

If you find yourself seeing life through a skewed lens of dysfunction, be encouraged. The first step is to institute a filter to purify the messages you are receiving from your partner. Although the context inside of you says what he is demonstrating cannot be true and is fleeting, ask yourself, “What have I come to truly know about who he is? Is he a man who is impeccable with his word? Does he regard being honorable as paramount in his daily life? Is he consistent in his character and integrity?” If the answers to these types of questions lead you back to, HE CONSISTENTLY SHOWS ME WHO HE IS AND THE MESSAGE IS LOVING AND KIND, choose to challenge the context where your emotions rule the ability to receive something pure. Secondly, practice gratitude for the love being shown to you. Even when it’s difficult to believe that this goodness is for you, tell your partner that you appreciate them and their kindness. Sharing these words will provoke the negative context in you to adjust its focus on the content that is being demonstrated. Not to mention give your partner a hopeful outlook that what they are sending towards you is acknowledged. Finally, remember that the impact of learning to receive goodness in one area of your life opens you up to have more goodness in other areas. Such things as the ability to secure close and loyal friends, a new belief that a good job could be for you and not just others, etc. Trusting that your life is not a perpetual dark cloud is liberating. And please don’t forget, rainbows tend to peek out after the worst storms.

As for the man who loves deeply and openly, don’t lose heart. Believe that your love can eventually serve many purposes. One of which is to help heal the trauma the person you love has experienced. After all, relationships are meant to be a place of shared wholeness and mutual healing.  It’s what we all deserve.