Our society is replete with messages that can jolt your internal sense of peace and well-being.  An enjoyable evening watching television can bring a barrage of commercials that edge your central nervous system to the near brink.  Doom scrolling on social media guarantees that some content will have you questioning your identity or your marital choice.  And if what pops up out of seemingly nowhere comes without a “trigger warning” (a polite way of saying, “Yep, this is going to upset you so beware!”), you can feel a disintegration in your mood and maybe your purpose for living.  Is it that serious?  Yes.  Welcome to the world of trauma.

None of us have gone unscathed in life by some form of trauma.  Trauma can be subtle or boisterous, both delivering the same impact.   The family members that told you that you would never amount to anything because you were too much like your father – a wife abusing alcoholic.  Or the “friend group” that tolerated your presence on outings of little importance but “forgot” to invite you to events where social status truly mattered.  The sly comments about your appearance that aren’t malicious, just a way to “motivate” you to lose weight so YOU will feel better about yourself.  All these episodes and many more can lead to feeling “less than” and hopeless.  How can you take the sting out of what people say or do that disrupts who you believe you are?  Here are a few steps to limit the depths to which you may be sinking.

First and foremost, identify the “they” people.  We all have “they” people in our lives.  The people that have an opinion and belief about who we are, what our worth and value may be and believe their opinions must be shared at all costs.  To not deem their voice as valuable is a personal affront to the “they” people.  Therefore, we politely listen to the message with a smile on our face to avoid more distress.  Or so we think.  Identifying where a direct hit comes from allows you to tell the truth about the people in your world.  And if it happens to be filled with negative and critical voices, you owe it to yourself to lessen the impact by minimizing the contact.  Words have power.  Always have.  Always will.  Know which words build, which ones bruise and arm yourself accordingly by limiting your presence in those brutal spaces.

Secondly, assess how you truly feel about yourself.  There is a great possibility that the comments about your weight affect you greatly because you feel unattractive or unworthy.  There is EXTENSIVE research on how trauma creates a decrease in self-care.  Do you have trouble getting out of bed to face another day?  Are activities of daily living (ADL’s), such as bathing, brushing your teeth or eating healthy meals, a struggle?  Are substances, such as marijuana or alcohol, a main component in your sustenance?  Are items of executive functioning, such as meal planning or exercising, too difficult to think about, let alone do?  These are all indicators that your self-care is malnourished.  Trauma aids in dysregulating our brain’s stress/coping mechanisms and hinders the management of our stress hormones to live a stable and healthy life.  Living on this roller coaster of emotional distress wears on our physical, emotional and mental health.  In short, failing to prioritize your well-being with active and positive self-care is a “tell” on how you may truly be feeling about your own value and worth.  If you leave it for someone else to tell you your worth, they will get it wrong every time. (Back to the “they” people).  Ensure that you are caring for your personal needs so that YOU do not get it wrong about you.

Finally, silence is not golden when it comes to an assault on your value.  When you know that you will be in a room of “they” people, come prepared for the attack.  Returning negativity will never be the way towards personal healing.  That only diminishes the valuable person that you are.  Instead, take a page out of the alert system.  As someone approaches with or begins the onslaught of opinions, kindly ask them, “Is this the part of the conversation where you should put up a trigger warning because you have something harsh to say?”  Trigger warnings are positive in that they give you a CHOICE.  Asking the question provides you with the option of engaging in the traumatic event/conversation about the potential distress.  As difficult as it may be to say, “I really need to know if this conversation is one that I am interested in participating in,” the damage of not saying anything and taking on the assault affects your stress regulation, your body’s protection.  Protect yourself.  Make a clear statement/stand when something is a violation of your peace.  Remember, consent extends far beyond sexual activity.

One thing that will always be true is that unwanted messages and images will affect our daily lives.  And as unavoidable as they are, we do consent to a large degree to those messages.  If the news is a trauma inducer, turn it off.  If social media leaves you feeling depressed or inadequate, scroll on pages that are uplifting and bring you joy (those do exist, by the way!).  And if a family outing has historically made you want to scream, turn that internal distress into an outward, “You do not have my consent to speak negatively about me today” instead.  Your value is determined by the choices you make.  Make those choices to take care of you LOUD.

In every area of life, there is a beginning and an end of things.  A new relationship, an eight-pound baby, a bouncy puppy or putting your keys in a new home, new beginnings offer promise and hope.  Newness is a “desired acquire” for humanity, marking a new season and things to look forward to for a long time to come.  But seasons being what they are, they change, shift and ultimately end.

Let’s talk specifically about relationships.  When you are in a healthy partnership, your “firsts” are not just exciting and joyful, they are also informative.  The proverbial “first look” prior to the wedding ceremony tells you that sharing with one another the gift of their presence is sacred and an “for us only” moment.  The first time you make love informs you on how deeply open and intimate your partner wants to be with you and only you.  Your first disagreement exposes you to how well you take care of each other’s hearts or if the choice is to win by wounding.  Again, all these “firsts” are a “tell” of what you share as a couple and the priority that you make of the love you are building with your partner.

What message has your union been expressing lately?  Can you say that it has not been as important to master the assignment of what you promised to one another?  Does being in their presence hold the same space of joy and love as it once did for you?  Relationships are tough and they need extra care, time and attention.  If you find yourselves in a season where that has not been the standard or precedence, it is time to return to good love.

Relationship and sex therapy will forever be a boon to enhancing a healthy relationship.  If you have the expectation that your struggle can be managed without outside help, ask yourself, “What are we actually doing to make this better?”  The urgency is in what you truly prioritize, and if your efforts have fallen short, despite the love being solid, get some help.  Reach out to Helping Others Heal to renew your intimacy and connection.

appointment@helpingothersheal.com

Are you in a relationship where there are topics that cannot be addressed?  You both know there are issues but the discussions around those talks come with hurt feelings, the silent treatment and general discontentment.  If this is you, here is the news flash:  a relationship where everything cannot be discussed is a relationship that is not healthy.  You should not be your partner’s mind reader any more than you can expect to have your needs met if you do not address what is unfulfilling.

Let’s get more specific and talk about sex.  Is pleasure a free and open conversation?  Does your partner know what pleases you and makes it their aim to satisfy your desires?  Do you welcome honest feedback on how to fulfill their needs?  Sexual activity is and should be a transparent dialogue, particularly in a partnership. Connecting your life with someone who has taken on the assignment of caring for your heart also mandates that they care for how to please you sexually.  If this is all new information and a bit scary, let’s figure out how to fix it.

Our history is clear:  sex was definitively a taboo subject up until the 1960’s.  The Sexual Revolution of the 60’s and early 70’s proved to be a time of relaxing the standard on how “unseemly” it was to talk about our sexual needs.  Yet here we are, nearly 60 years later, and couples still have unmet needs, lack sexual satisfaction and feel like no sex is better than bad sex.  As natural and normal as the act of sex is, it appears to be one of the toughest conversations that couples can undertake.  When we fail to address tough topics, we will ultimately find ourselves in a desert of displeasure and hopelessly wondering whether it is worth it to even try.  The drought of a desert is not a good location when water is available.

While it may not be easy to tell your partner you have unfulfilled fantasies or that your “sexy time” is as far away from sexy as the grass is to the sky, there is a way to say, “Hey, we need to tackle this together.”  Sadly, statistics show that unmet needs can lead to affairs and at the very least, hurt feelings centered around whether you are desirable to your partner.  That is a tough way to walk through the journey of love with someone.

Whether you need to address being sexually inexperienced or how to explore some non-traditional/kink topics, let me help you have the conversation.  Love should feel good, and great sex is certainly a dimension of that goodness.  Happy to help you make sense of it all!

**Free resource**

Please send me a message to my encrypted email and I’ll send you a resource on how to discuss “non-vanilla” sexual topics.  You and your partner may share a good chuckle, perhaps.  But what you will certainly get is a way to talk openly and honestly about your sexual needs and preferences.  The secure email is helpingothersheal@proton.me for the free discussion guide.

 

As a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, I have had the privilege and pleasure of working with couples that want to take their relationships to the next level: marriage.  Being a mediator on issues such as intrusive, future in-laws or how to tactfully communicate a “No children allowed” wedding is a common theme in sessions.  Sadly, what I hear less often is, “Adrian, what should we expect after the crowd leaves, the dancing has stopped and the Thank You cards are sent?”

While weddings are well orchestrated masterpieces of money, creativity and thoughtfulness, it pales in comparison to the true event.  That event is the marriage – how to love each other in a life of mutual, “Serving you is the only place I want to be.”

(I know, I just lost my audience of hopeless romantics!)

What you must face is that a wedding is not the marriage.  The wedding is, in fact, the last stop of it being about you at all.  Marriage is bigger than the both of you.  It’s the fabric of service.  And those threads do not have the luxury of unraveling when things aren’t easy.  That leaves you both naked.

It will be easy to hear service as servitude.  They are not even close.  Service is having the privilege of giving of yourself for the betterment of others.  Meanwhile, servitude is the state of being subject to someone that completely controls you and has more authority in a relationship than you do.  That is abuse.  If you are a person with a positive outlook on life, service towards your spouse may look like sharing your joyful spirit in one of their more difficult moments.  Or negotiating the mental load of chores when you and your partner both have 40+ hour work weeks.  Notice that these examples are not “the big ones,” like the aging and subsequent death of your parents, the loss of their six figure income or struggles with infertility.  This is the day in, day out of your marriage being your CHOICE.

Be honest with yourself.  When was the last time you chose your intended and their needs over what you merely wanted?  Your partner, with a history of abandonment, needs the security of quality time with you, which regulates their central nervous system.  Quality time is not important to your wellbeing with your paramour, but it is for you and your girlfriends from high school.  Hanging out with them may be a necessity for you, but does that interaction outweigh your partner feeling connected?  Please do not mishear me.  I am speaking of healthy relationships, not one where you are being controlled to make the joy of your partner your responsibility.  Neither do I mean that you must play therapist so they can function daily.  That feels like a brick on your foot!  When your partner struggles, the care that you choose towards them has a way of saying, “The girls can wait; I need to take care of my partner.”

Marriage, when done with you and your partner’s wellbeing in mind, can be a terrific, lifelong adventure.  If you are planning a wedding, I encourage you to participate in premarital counseling.  Getting a deeper understanding of the sacrificial life you are about to embark upon is vital information.  Go to someone qualified to ask you the tough questions as they walk you through appropriate expectations in making the love you give (and receive) a top priority.  Enjoy your wedding day.  Just remember, when the dancing stops, real life begins.  And if that does not look like service from you, you may have a great deal to (re)consider.