As a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, I have had the privilege and pleasure of working with couples that want to take their relationships to the next level: marriage. Being a mediator on issues such as intrusive, future in-laws or how to tactfully communicate a “No children allowed” wedding is a common theme in sessions. Sadly, what I hear less often is, “Adrian, what should we expect after the crowd leaves, the dancing has stopped and the Thank You cards are sent?”
While weddings are well orchestrated masterpieces of money, creativity and thoughtfulness, it pales in comparison to the true event. That event is the marriage – how to love each other in a life of mutual, “Serving you is the only place I want to be.”
(I know, I just lost my audience of hopeless romantics!)
What you must face is that a wedding is not the marriage. The wedding is, in fact, the last stop of it being about you at all. Marriage is bigger than the both of you. It’s the fabric of service. And those threads do not have the luxury of unraveling when things aren’t easy. That leaves you both naked.
It will be easy to hear service as servitude. They are not even close. Service is having the privilege of giving of yourself for the betterment of others. Meanwhile, servitude is the state of being subject to someone that completely controls you and has more authority in a relationship than you do. That is abuse. If you are a person with a positive outlook on life, service towards your spouse may look like sharing your joyful spirit in one of their more difficult moments. Or negotiating the mental load of chores when you and your partner both have 40+ hour work weeks. Notice that these examples are not “the big ones,” like the aging and subsequent death of your parents, the loss of their six figure income or struggles with infertility. This is the day in, day out of your marriage being your CHOICE.
Be honest with yourself. When was the last time you chose your intended and their needs over what you merely wanted? Your partner, with a history of abandonment, needs the security of quality time with you, which regulates their central nervous system. Quality time is not important to your wellbeing with your paramour, but it is for you and your girlfriends from high school. Hanging out with them may be a necessity for you, but does that interaction outweigh your partner feeling connected? Please do not mishear me. I am speaking of healthy relationships, not one where you are being controlled to make the joy of your partner your responsibility. Neither do I mean that you must play therapist so they can function daily. That feels like a brick on your foot! When your partner struggles, the care that you choose towards them has a way of saying, “The girls can wait; I need to take care of my partner.”
Marriage, when done with you and your partner’s wellbeing in mind, can be a terrific, lifelong adventure. If you are planning a wedding, I encourage you to participate in premarital counseling. Getting a deeper understanding of the sacrificial life you are about to embark upon is vital information. Go to someone qualified to ask you the tough questions as they walk you through appropriate expectations in making the love you give (and receive) a top priority. Enjoy your wedding day. Just remember, when the dancing stops, real life begins. And if that does not look like service from you, you may have a great deal to (re)consider.
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