You’re human, right? Strange question but one that establishes what we all know to be true about humankind: we are flawed, have shortcomings, many emotions and vulnerabilities. These are things none of us can get around. With those inescapables, we cannot avoid times where we will behave in ways that may cause harm to ourselves and others. Those behaviors may bring challenges to our self-esteem and the value we assign to ourselves for failing.

Are you struggling with shame?

One indicator of dealing with shame are phrases such as, “How can I ever live down what I did,” or, “I’m going to take this to my grave.” These phrases hold us hostage to being perfect and not allowing for making mistakes. We all know, however, that mistakes will be made, offending someone will happen and we will never measure up to the ideal in everyone’s eyes. That said, how did you allow this benchmark, that cannot be met, to rule your life and emotions?

Taking an inventory on this standard is hugely important. First and foremost, keep this saying in mind: Stop “shoulding” on yourself! This is typically where this impossible criterion comes from in us. “I should be able to forgive this person.” I should make sure that I continue giving to this person, even if it doesn’t feel right to me.” Encourage yourself to do a deep review of how you have permitted yourself to be controlled by what can never be achieved. Tell yourself, as an imperfect human:

*I WILL cause someone else pain.”

*I WILL behave in a way that is unlovely.”

“I WILL disappoint myself in this life.”

But do not stop there! Follow up the truth of your humanity with words that affirm who you are: someone that strives to be a kind person, that desires to treat people well and wants to treat yourself with respect.

Have you slept with more people than would be “acceptable” if discovered? Have you used an illicit drug(s)? Have you intentionally lied to someone you loved because you didn’t want them to know the truth about an area of your life? Realize that ALL of us can answer yes to something we are not proud of and that part of our humanness will never change. But the way we view ourselves needs to shift.

Make a commitment to let yourself off the hook of needing to be perfect. Remind yourself of your humanity and that you, like everyone else walking and breathing, has that same flawed humanity. Love and forgive yourself enough to welcome the frailty of who you are because those imperfections make you uniquely you and wonderful.

You may not be old enough to remember the Saturday Night Live skit with comedian Al Franken as Stuart Smalley. In this farce, Stuart spent time in the mirror proclaiming, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me.” Stuart’s affirmations were a way for him to feel better about himself. The inference was clear that he had to give himself this message because there was no one in his life to validate him. While that SNL spoof was meant to be hilarious, many people struggle with knowing they are good enough for themselves or others.

Are you having this same battle?

We live in a world where so much value is placed upon the image we present, how we live and what we need people to believe about who we are. Sites like Instagram and Pinterest purport that life is one pretty picture after the next. Lavish trips, fine dining and sharp outfits are commonplace for the “elite” people. And if we are to believe Facebook photographs and posts, everyone has a love affair and nobody is ever lonely or mistreated. The truth is, we are all living lives with episodes of serious pain, emptiness and unhappiness. Those messages of truth in our daily lives can lead to depression and not knowing we are worth much to others.

If you are spending your time scrolling through other people’s lives, take note. Ruminating over what people share with the world is one, probably far less than what the truth is for their life and two, robbing you from making moments for you that you can love. Does it really matter that posts are laced with expensive purses when your bag is from Marshalls? Or that a young man eating fresh seafood on the Isle of Capri means your getaway to Ocean City is not valuable? Is seeing a couple kissing and hugging in what appears to be bliss a sign that your life is empty? Wisdom says that comparing yourself to others will not help you to be grateful for what you have. And what you do have is an opportunity to write your own story filled with moments that mean something to you.

Make a commitment to yourself that what everyone else is enjoying is nice, but what you have is also wonderful. Focus on what makes you feel good about your life. Doing that will help to remind you that your $25 purse, a suntan from Maryland and reading a good love story is more than good enough. That is because YOU are more than good enough.

“If you leave it for someone else to determine what you are worth, they will get it wrong every time.”  – Me

Many people believe that being nice and being kind are one in the same.  But there is a big difference in the definitions.  Nice speaks to having the quality of being pleasant and agreeable.  Not a bad way to be described.  Kind, on the other hand, speaks to your character and who you are intrinsically as a person.  How do you stack up on the kindness meter?

We live in a society where people are hurting.  Death, divorce, sexual trauma, physical abuse – you name it, people are experiencing it.  Each and every one of these events can change the dynamics of a person.  There are moments where the people you work with everyday find it nearly impossible to get out of the bed in the morning to make it to the office.  But they need to get up so they can feed their family.  Is this the person who comes to the office cranky, doesn’t want to speak to anyone or is simply known as the person to avoid because of their unpleasant disposition?  It can be easy to put people in a box of being mean or difficult to deal with, but you never really know what people are going through.  Here’s the challenge:  be a person that offers to bring solution to pain and not judgment.

When you see someone who can turn the mood in the office into one of mayhem, can you offer a smile?  Would it be too hard to ask how their weekend was and if they might need help with one of their projects at work if you have completed your assignments?  Are you willing to see them in a weak or rough moment and quietly offer an ear to listen if they need one?  This is not to suggest that you become a therapist or to be abused when someone simply cannot manage to treat you well.  But examine yourself.  Are you meeting in the break room to talk about how awful the coworker is or the one who will not engage in the fray and look for an opportunity to be supportive?  The latter speaks to your character, the person that you really are when nobody is watching you “behave well.”

Make a commitment to yourself to be a kind person.  Work towards looking at people through the lens of being just like you on a day that you may need some grace.  Challenge yourself to move beyond being nice and being the person whose character says, “There but for the grace of God, I could be the person that nobody wants to offer kindness.  I’m going to make the choice to give of myself in this moment as a “pay it forward” for the day that I might need that in return.”  In a world where you can be anything, be kind.

We have all been there. We have fallen in love. We have found a relationship that seems to be good for us and has us on cloud nine. Our partner makes us smile and we have tingly feelings when we think about sharing our day or conversation with them. Then the tide turns. You continue to provide love, support and great intimacy but a shift has taken place in them. You are now faced with calls or texts not answered or plain abandonment/alienation of affection. When you try to confront it, you are told that you are imagining things. Or, worse yet, treated harshly with verbal abuse. You ask yourself, “What happened to the love?” A better question to ask is, “What am I going to allow to happen to my worth?”

We all want to feel loved and supported. We want to know the affection and adoration of another human being. But at what cost? There comes a point in which you must decide whether the love you are giving and not receiving in return is your partner determining that your value is not as high as they need to know that it is. But how do they get that memo unless you send it out?

The way to establish this public service announcement is to first examine the truth about how you feel about yourself. Do you actively promote your self-worth? Are you mindful of how you treat yourself so that others can see how it should be done? Your first assignment is to do an honest evaluation of who you believe you are and what value you place on yourself. If you notice that you have poor self-care or allow yourself to talk with self-deprecating language, you must own your part. You are aiding and abetting in this being the message that this is the way the world believes you deserve to be treated.

Remember to remind yourself that while a shared love is good, the first person that needs your love is YOU. Treat yourself well. Speak highly of the quality person that you are and celebrate yourself for others to see. Once you master self-love, nobody will have the opportunity to be confused. But should they ever be, your worth will rise and saying goodbye will be as easy as loving you has become.