Addressing Shame

You’re human, right? Strange question but one that establishes what we all know to be true about humankind: we are flawed, have shortcomings, many emotions and vulnerabilities. These are things none of us can get around. With those inescapables, we cannot avoid times where we will behave in ways that may cause harm to ourselves and others. Those behaviors may bring challenges to our self-esteem and the value we assign to ourselves for failing.

Are you struggling with shame?

One indicator of dealing with shame are phrases such as, “How can I ever live down what I did,” or, “I’m going to take this to my grave.” These phrases hold us hostage to being perfect and not allowing for making mistakes. We all know, however, that mistakes will be made, offending someone will happen and we will never measure up to the ideal in everyone’s eyes. That said, how did you allow this benchmark, that cannot be met, to rule your life and emotions?

Taking an inventory on this standard is hugely important. First and foremost, keep this saying in mind: Stop “shoulding” on yourself! This is typically where this impossible criterion comes from in us. “I should be able to forgive this person.” I should make sure that I continue giving to this person, even if it doesn’t feel right to me.” Encourage yourself to do a deep review of how you have permitted yourself to be controlled by what can never be achieved. Tell yourself, as an imperfect human:

*I WILL cause someone else pain.”

*I WILL behave in a way that is unlovely.”

“I WILL disappoint myself in this life.”

But do not stop there! Follow up the truth of your humanity with words that affirm who you are: someone that strives to be a kind person, that desires to treat people well and wants to treat yourself with respect.

Have you slept with more people than would be “acceptable” if discovered? Have you used an illicit drug(s)? Have you intentionally lied to someone you loved because you didn’t want them to know the truth about an area of your life? Realize that ALL of us can answer yes to something we are not proud of and that part of our humanness will never change. But the way we view ourselves needs to shift.

Make a commitment to let yourself off the hook of needing to be perfect. Remind yourself of your humanity and that you, like everyone else walking and breathing, has that same flawed humanity. Love and forgive yourself enough to welcome the frailty of who you are because those imperfections make you uniquely you and wonderful.