The following statement, while sad and provocative, is unfortunately true:  nearly one in five women (43%) and one in four men (24%) reading this blog have been sexually abused.  If you find yourself in one of those percentages, you understand what it feels like to struggle with your sexual well-being.  The violation of your betrayed sexuality can affect your sex life for years to come, not to mention how you perceive yourself as a sexual being.  Are you always doomed to feel low and disgraceful because of what you have suffered?  No.  There is evidence of hope, restoration and an opportunity to have your sex positivity renewed.

Fast forward to being in a loving relationship, feeling emotionally and mentally strong and envisioning being sexually satisfied and erotically engaged.  This relationship feels safe and secure enough to share your feelings of desire towards your partner.  To your dismay, your partner is not expressive with his/her sexual overtures and you feel rejected and unsure of yourself.  In contrast, you notice that with this newfound sense of sensuality, you are receiving attention from people who find your sex appeal emanating from your pores and approachable.  However, these advances feel threatening, unsafe and violative.  What just happened?  This sense of violation is a direct correlation to the shame you experienced for attempting to approach your safe place with your desires.

When you have a partner that has sexual abuse in their history, you need to be aware that shame is ever present and tiresome for their emotional and mental well-being.  The sense that you can be the place where they feel open, loved and erotic is a huge risk for them.  If it is not in your natural inclination to express sexuality, that is fair.  But remember, all relationships require levels of accommodation for each other.  Dirty talk may not be comfortable for you, but perhaps a few simple words, such as, “I desire you as well,” can be enough.  Figure out a way to understand the wounds of your partner and be a compassionate place of safety for them to thrive in their sexuality.

It can be a lifelong challenge to feel sexual safety after abuse.  And with the alarmingly high numbers of survivors, you are in good but wounded company.  Support groups and therapy can be a fresh start to sexual healing.  Feeling paralyzed by catcalls, expectations of sexual experiences that leave you feeling open and ashamed and the general weariness of being asked for parts of you that negate the whole of you, can be dealt with in proper, therapeutic care.   Allow yourself to be free to express your sensuality and to feel sexy from the perspective of worthiness, not shame.  There is a bridge of hope that you can walk over to get to a place where the beauty of eroticism can live and be expressed.

We all know these people: nothing is good enough.  You can go out of your way to be loving, open, generous and selfless.  Yet, when you present this level of yourself, you are swiftly met with, “I expect more.”  Do these words come across their lips?  More often than not, they do not.  But you can feel them saying that what you have offered is not what they expected.  What do you do when you finally reach the point of saying, “I have gone as far as I’m going to go with pleasing you,” and you mean it?

People pleasing is the root of many societal ills.  When people spend their time being “less” in order to be “more” for someone/something else, you aren’t being true to yourself.  Unpopular opinion loading: people pleasers are liars.  Strong statement?  Yes.  But let’s dissect this.  When every room you walk in has an expectation for you to continually give, consistently exert everything and more of what you have inside and you acquiesce with full reluctancy, you are lying to yourself.  You are making it clear that you will deceive yourself to be in rooms with people that do not mind you exploiting yourself to be in that room.  How has your personal value plummeted to the place that you are willing to take the crumbs and away from yourself to please others?

You must begin to make small steps to correct this behavior.  Firstly, be HONEST with yourself.  Make a list of your most recent decisions that involve you giving of yourself and assess with these questions:

1. Did I make this decision because I want to be accepted by this person/group?
2. Did I feel forced/manipulated into making this decision?
3. If I stated to this person that, upon reflection, I need to rescind this decision, will I lose favor with this person or make them angry?

Asking and answering these questions within yourself is the first step in forcing yourself to be truthful.  If you feel manipulated or worry that the receiver of your deeds will feel differently about you, more than likely, you are giving in a place that does not mind draining your well of resources.  Those resources can be your finances, your time or your peace of mind.  Acknowledging the drain is the primary way to adjust what has been or continues to be taken from you.

After the honest look, it’s time to be brave and put an end to the abuse.  Do not allow yourself to be the person that “ghosts” people participating in the drain of your resources.  You must confront poor behaviors to take a stand for your worth.  You probably feel resistance in your soul over this notion but frankly, taking your worth back brings confrontation.  You can politely tell someone, “This has taken more of me than I should have ever given.”  That puts a few drops back into your well of resources by emotionally navigating your needs.  And the more you do it, the faster your well gets filled.

Never let it be said that others determine your worth because they will get it wrong every time.  Stop lying to yourself about doing more.  You, all by yourself, are more than enough.  Begin to let people know that you mean that.  Stand on business about you.

The interesting thing about our humanity is that we all have quirks.  These behavioral habits are unique to each person, from singing responses to questions, chain smoking, even fidgeting at all times.  They are the things that people typically notice about us and come to accept that, “Oh, that’s just them.”  Behaviors are one thing.  But who you truly are is another.  Are you being loved for you?

Each of us has a need to be understood.  It’s the common theme in our humanness.  We all want to be seen.  We want to be known.  We want to be real with the people in our personal sphere.  What do you do when who you are isn’t a behavior or habit?  When your personal value is honesty with yourself and it does not necessarily align with the values of other people?  What if you being you just simply needs to be understood?

Self-acceptance is difficult when you are faced with disapproval by others that are in your world.  Being “odd” or unconventional can be a trademark of how you want to show up as a human.  When disapproval from others is loud and feels punitive, the natural inclination is towards safety.  “If me being me leads to chastisement and pain, I will close in and not express who I really am” is a posture that many have.  They fear retribution and do not live in the pride of who they are and desire to be.  This “turning inward” can be a dangerous and lonely place.  Depression, anxiety and even self-harm can be the way to “deal” with the rejection of others.  Untreated, all of these outlets are very harmful to a person’s well-being.  It is time to share your truth and be who you are.

Express yourself openly to the people that matter in your life.  People that truly matter to you, and that you matter to, will welcome this renaissance of you.  Living suppressed and unsure of your value and worth will not be healthy long term.  If we are fortunate, we have one or two people that will acknowledge the pain of not being accepted and they will help you to be true to yourself.  Find that person, open up your heart and your story to chip away at the stone walls you have built in the process of living your true life.

Sadly, some people live in a bubble of not being supported by the people in their lives.  If that is you, find a good therapist to share your path and be brave enough to embark on this self-love journey.  Being the real you is very different than being someone that tells stories with a million extra words.  You are a story of a million words.  And while that may prove to be annoying for some, being you should be a welcome trek that is shared with those that believe you matter.  A compassionate and loving therapist can be the person to take that well-deserved hike with you.  You will not be alone.  Be you.  Be your first source of love and acceptance.  Reach out for help.

It may sound funny, but we’re all waiting for something to happen. Whether it is for our love relationship to be stronger and more attached after an affair or to truly connect with the real person that we dream of becoming, the wait is real. It can also be upsetting, challenging and simply feel too hard to wait for what seems impossible. This isn’t a blog to teach you about waiting patiently. Consider this moment to consider the NOW. What do you do “in the meantime?”

“In the meantime” refers to who you are in the right now, while waiting for your family to grow. If you are a couple that is awaiting the beauty of conception to come to fruition, it can mean a great deal of pain and sadness. It’s not often spoken of but infertility struggles can be devastating to a couple’s mental health and well-being. Sure, well-meaning people that love you might say, in the midst of a pregnancy loss or failed implantation, “You can always have another one,” or, “Next time will be successful.” And while those words are meant to bring comfort, it doesn’t alleviate the pain of the situation. If you have ever experienced a loss of pregnancy or conception issues, those well-meaning words can come across as a sword. Often the husband has been forgotten when these episodes are happening. Truth be told, BOTH people are having a difficult time in this process, not just the woman. Which means they BOTH need support. And what better place to get that support than from each other? What do you do when your “in the meantime” looks like more cycles, doctor visits and injections that tell you when to focus on “babymaking” and not lovemaking?

The couple you are right now needs a recentering, a reconnection. When conception attempts take center stage of your love affair, couples can take for granted that not nurturing each other violates that daily necessity. When was the last time you thought about what love between the two of you truly means? Have you had the opportunity to walk through the park, holding hands and reminiscing about the day you met and began falling in love? Does your partner’s laugh still make you chuckle inside or laugh out loud? Can you remember the last time you heard it?

As an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist, it is crucial that you remember the A.R.E. of your relationship: Accessibility, Responsiveness, Engagement. Accessibility to each other in a relationship means, “Can I reach you?” When a couple is undergoing fertility treatments, a great deal of time is spent reaching each other for the purposes of talking about getting pregnant, daydreaming about expanding the family and baby names. What it means to live, “in the meantime,” is that you are talking to one another and about what each of you need. How well are we connecting as a couple in love while we are hoping for what may happen in the future? Responsiveness refers to being able to count on your partner when you are in crisis. Clearly, since both partners are dealing with the process of infertility, they are both in crisis. Mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety, are on the rise with couples struggling with the challenge of conception. Making room to hear out one another and to be seen by your partner when they are in distress speaks to the responsiveness that you have between one another. Finally, Engagement is letting your partner know that you value them and want to be attached to them. It speaks to not feeling alone and having someone that is on your side when you are facing a dilemma.

We are biologically wired for connection. It is very true that medications to decrease depression and anxiety utilize the same neurotransmitters from which physical touch uses. Stay close. Stay connected. Most of all, let your partner know that in the world of emotional upset, they are not alone “in the meantime” of life’s journey.

It is imperative to reach out for therapeutic help when you are navigating infertility. Much more is affected than what your body physically may need. Emotionally, you need to be sure that you are not walking through this pain alone. Having someone that supports you emotionally is vital to being able to successfully get to the other side. Hopefully, the other side looks like an expanded family. However, if it does not end in such a result, you still have one another to love and to cherish. Remind yourselves that it is crucial to make sure you are nurturing one another “in the meantime.”