(Bear with me on this one. Be sure to share this with that special man in your life. As you read on, you will understand why).
You don’t have to be much of a superhero fan to have heard of Superman. A character created in the 1930’s by DC Comics as a superhuman, with super strength, agility, x-ray vision and the ability to fly. But let’s remember, Superman was also a human named Clark Kent – a journalist by trade, which was fitting because he had firsthand knowledge of breaking news. If there was a bad guy, he learned this information from his career and could move into action to mitigate the threat to the world. In Clark’s alter ego role, he had a downfall: Kryptonite. In the comic world, kryptonite is made from krypton, a radioactive material that weakens living things around it. For Superman, his powers were disabled. This made him an ordinary person with flaws and limitations, just like the rest of humanity. Superman knew to avoid this substance because of the ensuing effects. What do you do when you have a man that knows the dangers of the more obvious things in life that can break him, but not the lesser known, and often more fatal ones?
Men are notorious for saying, “I am okay/fine/good” without much thought to substantiate those words. They have been wired to be the protectors, providers, the ones that cannot appear weak or complain. But what happens when these “strong men” have a wounded area? And what if that area is SEX?
It’s easy to say that we need to make a man feel “safe” enough to share his deepest points of pain. The truth is that safety comes from within each of us. Therefore, needing someone to “give” that to you decreases your own sense of self. Communicating openly is the cure. Being able to do that with your loving partner on the topic of sexual intimacy is a tall task, but one a couple can handle together. Understand that while sex can be the “glue” to your relationship (i.e., the place where two become one), the more vital part about sexual goodness is, “Do we communicate with one another in a way that conveys genuine love, care and concern for who we are?”
Imagine coming home to a person that has a negative outlook on life, often complains and leads you to feeling as though nothing that you do is good enough. How unsexy that is to make love to? Is there an atmosphere in your relationship that relishes in knowing one another, that is open, non-critical and life enhancing to be around after a long day? Those couples can have passionate and sensual sex. Why? Because they exhibit a sense of well-being towards their partner, such as, “I care for you” and “I choose you.” The banter between them signifies, “I am a warm place for you to lay your head.”
Make it clear to you partner that you want to collaborate in his feeling good about himself. Be curious about what you can do to enhance who they are and what they need. If your relationship is having struggles with sex, be open to addressing what he needs without judgment or making it about you. An appropriate question may be, “Are there things going on inside of you that are leading to anxiety or tension? Are these things inhibiting us for making good love?” Be mindful that there may be an answer that leads to hard truths, but ultimately deeper understanding. If you can admit that you are not the softest place to land and that tenderness is not your strength, be willing to hear that truth. No, this isn’t a blame game. It’s a “How can we work together to get to the best of who we are, even in sex?”
Nothing is easy about getting to good love and great sex. It takes a team, a true partnership, to be curious about seeing those sides of ourselves that want to work with the one we love to avoid their Kryptonite meltdown. Work towards communicating how important your man is to you, even in his frailties. Achieving great sex is not impossible. Be open to taking flight with him to get to good loving. Let your partner know that you want to be that warm place, especially where they struggle.
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