We are rounding into the home stretch of the year. It won’t be long before you will be sharing your New Year’s resolutions with a close friend, gathering ideas on how best to spend your tax refund or imagining yourself in a tropical location to escape the winter weather blues. But before you get lost in losing thirty pounds, searching for a new car with a sizable down payment or ordering brochures for an adults only resort in Bimini, let’s get through this holiday season. And more often than not, with heavy hearts or people that we do not want to see.

Yes, that sounds really negative and not very festive. But most of our realities are not overflowing with elation. For many, the holiday season is the time of year that encapsulates the greatest amount of personal pain. This could be the first year without your loved one and fresh memories of that substantial loss. You could be the proverbial “black sheep” in the family. Therefore, sitting around a table serves the dish of reminding yourself that you aren’t good enough or do not fit in with others. And with all of the family and friends gathering around, there is sure to be a new baby or partner for someone else in the room, a painful reminder of what you fear you will never have. These are some of the true holiday moments that will be experienced this year.

How do you survive feeling lost, like an outcast or unlovable? First and foremost, acknowledge that you may not be on solid emotional footing. In the case of losing your bestfriend/life partner, even when surrounded by the most well meaning support, you will indeed feel the pain. Having spent time with someone who “got” you, cared for your heart and made you feel like the world was a beautiful place is an indescribable pain. Facing the reality that your room will never be filled with the abundance of that special love takes time to heal from and time takes the time it needs. Do not allow yourself to feel, or let others tell you, “You should be over that by now.” Grief is the great equalizer. When we are in the throes of it, there is nothing more honorable than to let yourself take those moments to reminisce on what was wonderful. Try to give yourself permission to feel the depth of those feelings. It won’t be easy. But with time, the pain won’t feel so suffocating forever. Next, be true to yourself by being honest with others around you. Having thoughts of being the outcast can be cathartic to share with someone that truly cares for you. If the dinner being hosted by family won’t garner a loving or listening ear, prepare to share your pain before you attend. Sometimes that supportive ear is a therapist or a hotline that offers care for individuals who are in need during the holidays. Reach out in an attempt to process your struggle in a safe place. Finally, choose to believe that things won’t always be so tough. Seeing others experience joy with an expanding family when you are dealing with infertility is tough. Feeling like the third wheel in a room when others are sporting a new partner and smiles can surely feel like a gut punch when there is nobody by your side. Choosing to believe that there will be more for you one day reframes your emotional wellbeing. No, this isn’t a suggestion to say, “I’m fine and nothing is wrong.” This is a gentle suggestion to find a place in yourself that can imagine other possibilities, even if those prospects are not in your here and now. Will all people facing infertility magically have children? Will love come your direction by your next “hot girl summer,” right before your 35th birthday? The answer to both of those may be a heartbreaking NO. That said, when you allow your pain to be the catalyst for bolstered ego strength, you may find a way to celebrate the joy and love around you which can in turn give you more hope.

There will never be a perfect holiday season. We are all fallible as humans. We bring ourselves wherever we go and contribute to the stale air of the holiday get together. And as you hope for people to be gracious with you, remember that extending that to others is a gift you can share in the midst of your own sadness. Challenge yourself to be kind, especially in the face of disappointment and grief. Even when you are the person in the room with the biggest needs, choose to bring some joy for the holiday. Do your best to share the value of you this season.

Humans always have, and always will, need connection. Try as you might, being alone and isolated is not (thankfully) a natural inclination for us. Touch brings physiological changes to blood pressure, stress and mental wellbeing. In fact, studies have shown that premature babies that are isolated need touch in order to thrive. Without that connectivity, they have developmental delays and worse, even death. These needs do not dissipate as we mature to adulthood. We need attachment to provide homeostasis, emotional regulation and a sense of security. What happens when you believe your life has been blessed by a positive bond with another person, only to discover that what you had will no longer remain intact? What happens when love goes wrong?

Our bodies react strongly when loss takes place. Grieving happens in people physically when there is a death/life lost. The need to accept the finality that someone will never be a part of your sensory life again is very difficult to bear. Therefore, your body responds to this loss in the same Failure to Thrive (FTT) way that babies experience. The deprivation of having the shoulder to lean on, hand to hold or smile to greet you after a long day puts you in emotional distress. Emotional dysregulation leads to depression and even physical pain. To return to a functioning state, we must return to the attachment and care of another person. Do you have that friend that seeks to immediately get into another relationship after a breakup? Actually, it is normal to see people in a quick search for the next partner. It is our body’s way of telling us that we need to be connected.

The sense of disappointment in losing your partner can feel overwhelming. Hopes are built on sharing your life with someone. Relationships, even unhealthy ones, evoke hope and build a sense of belonging and purpose. It doesn’t matter why things did not last a lifetime. What matters is that the loss affects every fiber of your being. To return to emotional wholeness, find ways to reconnect to others. That doesn’t mean jumping into the next relationship right away. Give yourself the space to heal before attempting to begin again with someone new. What it can mean is finding ways to share your life again. Friends, family, even adopting a pet, can keep you from isolating and starving your humanity by remaining alone. Convincing yourself that you can “go it alone” is a decision that will affect every part of your life. Connect so you can heal and become whole.

When it comes to emotional manipulation tactics, it can sometimes be difficult to understand that you are in a hostile environment.  Emotional manipulators can be masterful at disguising their control as love.  There are many types of emotional manipulation.  Let’s discuss the top three types.

Gaslighting:

Odd term that derived from a movie in the 30’s about a husband that appeared kind, caring and sweet towards his wife, an heiress.  He used lies and manipulation tactics to isolate her from her friends to steal her fortune.  In today’s “self-help” world, gaslighting is often misused.  The basic premise is that a person attempts to isolate their partner from others who may be able to spot the abusive partner’s schemes.  As a bonus, they use lies and manipulation in a way to coerce your mental health by creating scenarios that cause you to question whether you are crazy.  For example, you stated clearly your needs to your partner regarding their upsetting behaviors.  What you may get in return is a partner that tells you that the opposite words were used, that you are making things up or even feign care for your emotional well-being (“Are you feeling okay?  You seem confused and I’m concerned.”).  This technique is quite effective when you fear confrontation, suffer from “fight fatigue” or easily question yourself because you become distracted because you have been told repeatedly about how “off” you are.

Love bombing:

This term has gained popularity in recent years.  As with the previous scenario, you may state your needs from your partner, and they move further away from you and your needs. Rather than look at themselves and how they can help meet your needs together, they abandon you with a loss of affection, time and care.  When you decide that you will simply not be treated in an unhealthy way, this type of partner bombards you with attention and love.  They cannot seem to get enough of you.  They need your undivided time and attention.  They work tirelessly to please you – temporarily.  The name of their game is to give the impression that you are being well loved, only to perform the pushing away acts once you settle into the care you believe you are receiving.  And then the cycle begins again.

Playing the victim:

Most of us have had some form of trauma in life and relationships.  Abusive or absent parents.  Dismissive partners.  Disloyal friends.  This type of manipulator has more abuse than anyone when confronted with their behavior.  If you share your disappointment in how you are being treated, they will give you a list of all the ills that they have suffered at the hands of others.  Perhaps even at your hands!  When they detail their pain, it is to solicit you to assuage their pain by shifting the focus from how they are hurting you and how you should work harder to heal them.

If you find yourself in any of these situations, you will need help to break free from this captivity.  Seek professional counseling to enable you to stop this abuse.  Long term, this is detrimental to your self-worth and esteem.  It is very easy to fall prey to this behavior, particularly when your goal is to love well and be loved in return.  Do not face this alone.  Call for help today.

Several words come to mind when the word LOVE comes into the room. Words such as blissful, beautiful and lucky. Once referred to as a “many splendored thing,” love is also a frightening pursuit. The truth is, to get to the place of a deep and abiding love, you open yourself up to the possibility of sharing your world with someone that can make life joyful. On the flipside, that same person can take your breath away by hurting you in the deepest and most personal way. In a single word: VULNERABILITY.

As unpopular as this concept may be, you cannot truly give love or receive love without being vulnerable. Having the willingness to be harmed emotionally is not for the faint at heart. It takes courage to share the intimate pieces of your heart and mind, hopeful that the recipient is grateful for your honesty and trust. But real life says we will be disappointed. Real life says that we will mistake lust for love and share too deeply, too soon and sometimes to devastation. Real life says it will hurt. When faced with the possibility of being leveled by someone that didn’t care for you in the ways that your openness warranted, do you shut down, shut out and stay shut off? In another word: NO.

Vulnerability has negative connotations because it hints at how difficult being open can be. There is a risk of letting a stranger step into your world, see the flaws and frailties of who you are and hope that they determine you are deserving of their true love and care. The beauty of that vulnerability is that real love can withstand you being human. The person on the other side is also hopeful that what they share with you will be met with open arms and an open heart. Can you be crushed for sharing that you have intense trauma in your past that roars in the present from time to time? Is sharing your physical or mental health diagnosis a potential area for ridicule or public shaming? Absolutely. There is also a great possibility that the heart you share from is matched well with a heart that is grateful to get ALL OF YOU. And that heart wants to care for you, love you, protect you and reinforce that you are enough.

The best things in life are often fraught with taking a risk. From leaving a stable job to begin an entrepreneurial pursuit to plunking down thousands of dollars on a home that hopefully isn’t a money pit, some risks are worth taking. Love is the same way. And like the new job or the new home, even with the best of due diligence, we may not find that deserving heart the first time. Be courageous! Try again. Learn to love bravely so you can receive the same in return.